Snow Alex
by Sebastian and Her Seven Dwarves
Sebastian has an evil thought about an x-files/snow white x-over
PlotBunny: So who gets to be Snow White, Sebastian
DrRuthless: Can't you have a different one each time?
shadowfox: LOL! greedy!
DrRuthless: Yup... Safety in numbers!
Kozha: should always have a backup handy
shadowfox: lots and lots of backups handy...
Ann: Heck, she's got about a dozen Nick characters to work with, then go beyond...
shadowfox: :::happysigh:::
DrRuthless: A lineup!
Ann: ---notices Sebastian has gone awfully quiet...
PlotBunny: She's writing Snow Alex
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Sebastian: Once upon a time, there was an evil stepfather called Chris Carter... he was beautiful, the most beautiful man in the whole land (everyone told him so). He had a magic mirror, and he would look into it and say..."Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest producer of all?"
Ann: And the seven positions.
Sebastian: And the mirror, which had been carefully coached, would say,
shadowfox: uhm...well, gee Chris... do you want the truth or a nice lie?
Sebastian: "You are, oh most beauteous and talented, Mr. Carter, sir."
DrRuthless: until he would threaten it with a mallet.
Ann: "I didn't break myself; why do I have seven years of bad luck?"
Sebastian: But Carter had a step-son. The lad was growing in stature and popularity... even the mirror noticed, and the people of the land looked at each other, and said, "My goodness, what a stunner!"
shadowfox: I am definitely liking this...
Ann: growing other places, too, I'm sure...
Sebastian: Alex had been raised by Carter to reflect his own glory, but now he surpassed it.
* PlotBunny bounces lots
DrRuthless: He used to wear cut-offs and pose.
Sebastian: Carter grew wroth, and summoned the lad, to stand before the mirror.
Kozha: PlotBunny needs decaf...
DrRuthless: The mirror couldn't hold back. It let out a wolf whistle.
Sebastian: I think I need someone else to take this over, while I try to think where I can get 4 more dwarfs from.
DrRuthless: Scully?
Ann: Tooms?
Kozha: I was already thinking about that problem... Pendrell
DrRuthless: Eddie van Blundht
Ann: Chuck?
DrRuthless: Chinga!
PlotBunny: Emily, LOL
Kozha: Gibson!
Sebastian: oh that kid yup
DrRuthless: Gibson, Scully, Eddie, Frohike, Byers, Langly, Tooms...and don't forget Flukey!
Ann: There could be less than seven dwarves, if Tooms already ate one.
Sebastian: The wicked stepfather glared hard at the mirror, which curled slightly into its frame, and said Well, Chris Carter, you were the fairest in the land, but...
DrRuthless: then monkeys flew out of my butt!
Sebastian: Carter held up a shoe, and raised his eyebrows threateningly, but the mirror was cursed with truthfulness, and said...
PlotBunny: Aww, poor mirror
SugarRush: Chris, honey, those green feathered mules simply do *not* go with that hair!
Sebastian: Alex is totally scrumptious, but to make a fair judgment, can you get him to strip, please?
Ann: Smart mirror
* PlotBunny snerks
DrRuthless: Very smart
Ann: Oh, and Chris...don't bother
Sebastian: Carter took a deep breath, and let it out at the mirror, making it all foggy, and swept from the room. Calling for his Huntsman, Skinner, he said, "Take Alex from the palace, and dangle him over a precipice by one arm, until it tears off at the shoulder."
Ann: Gasp!
Sebastian: Bring me the arm, so I will know he is truly dead!" Then I again will be the fairest in the land.
* PlotBunny sniffs
SugarRush: nooooo, not the long, lithe, finely-muscled *arm*!!!
Ann: Skinner, this is your last chance with me...
SugarRush: with just a faint dusting of golden, manly hair!!!
Sebastian: Skinner seized Alex in his manly arms, threw him across the pommel of his saddle
Ann: and rode!
Sebastian: and cantered into the woods...
SugarRush: Alex sat back, groaning deeply...
* DrRuthless snivels
Sebastian: Deep into the forest, Skinner stopped.
SugarRush: until he realized it wasn't the pommel he was sitting on!
* PlotBunny is hiding under the quilt
Sebastian: philistine...
* DrRuthless is sobbing gently
Sebastian: anyway
Kozha: ie, he decantered...
Sebastian: dragging the fair Alex from the horse, he said
Ann: "Think warm thoughts"
Sebastian: "if I do as Carter bids, I may rise in his estimation! I could be the hero!"
Kozha: "I could do more Magician Specials!"
Sebastian: What is it worth to you, for me to let you go, and pretend you are dead?" Alex smiled sweetly, and bared his chest seductively. Not for nothing had he got the reputation for being the fairest in the land...
Ann: And the fastest, apparently...
PlotBunny: That's the Alex we all know and love.
Sebastian: Skinner's weapon rose menacingly, and his bow and arrows dropped to the ground with a thunk His tights became quite inappropriate... and Alex's brows rose in admiration.
Kozha: though well-named
Ann: Only his brows?
Sebastian: "But where will you get an arm," said Alex, "for proof?"
DrRuthless: the second hand shop?
Kozha: An arms dealer?
Sebastian: "Let me worry about that, pretty maiden," said Skinner, drooling all over his jerkin.
Ann: Umm, Skinner may want to use his glasses about now...
Kozha: Jerkin mopped off the drool and, glowering at Skinner, stomped off...
Ann: No, he jerked off...
Sebastian: He pounced at Alex, and Alex with a maidenly shriek, fainted. When he came to, he was naked, and beside him lay a dead, one-armed thingy... (Like a yeti, but brown... found in the US), and a pile of coarse hair, and a safety razor. He was all sticky. And somewhat sore.
DrRuthless: A scythe lay beside him... he was afraid that he'd been reaped!
Sebastian: Trying not to think about what may have happened to him, he stumbled deeper into the woods
SugarRush: sounds more like he was sowed!!!
Sebastian: The tiny birds and bunnies gamboled around him, to cheer him up.
SugarRush: just like in Bambi!
DrRuthless: And he had to stop for a moment and scream "Quit covering me with leaves, you assholes!"
Sebastian: a friendly squirrel climbed his leg, and hitched onto his pubes, to cover his nakedness.
SugarRush: cover his nakedness?? why?
Ann: yeah, sure, that's what the squirrel *said*
Sebastian: (Though it had an eye on his nuts)
Sebastian: Just then, he heard singing... "Hi ho, Hi ho... it's off to work we go..."
* PlotBunny cries with laughter.
Sebastian: "With a useless plot, like a mug of snot, Hi ho, hi ho..."
Ann: "Time to surf the web for porn, from night til morn, hi ho"
DrRuthless: It was all the writers who had bailed from X-Files, to go to other shows...
Sebastian: Remind me... are our dwarves all male? Or is Scully one?
DrRuthless: Yup... even Scully
Kozha: "We semi-regs get all the dregs, hi ho..."
Sebastian: Seven men of assorted sizes came tromping past. All had long beards
Ann: "speaking carter's lines, rather drink turpentine, hi ho"
DrRuthless: "working on X-Files will give you piles, Hi Ho, Hi Ho"
Sebastian: though the ginger one's was beautifully groomed
Kozha: Hi ho, this show, died sev'ral years ago..."
Ann: with not a wart out of place.
Sebastian: and the one with yellow eyes made him shiver
DrRuthless: but we wear a frown cos it won't lie down, hi ho, hi ho!
Sebastian: He walked up to them and cried, big bright tears...
DrRuthless: Alex? Cried?
Sebastian: They surrounded him, and petted him and the squirrel abandoned him, and took up residence in Langly's beard.
DrRuthless: Make-up? Can we get the shine taken off that, please?
Sebastian: In fact petted him rather too well, so that his beauty became yet more obvious.
Ann: among other things...
Kozha: Although they remained disappointed at the cheap watch and no wallet...
Sebastian: "can we help you, fair youth" they said, edging him toward their cottage. "I have no home, now, for my wicked stepfather has ejected me from the only place I could call home, the dark alleys of the 1013 studio, " he said. "Will you care for me?" There was a chorus of "Fine", "Right", "Yes please" and "Me First" as they bundled him into the cottage, and huddled in after him
Sebastian: Hey... are you all asleep yet???
DrRuthless: We're enthralled.
* Sebastian listens for snores
Ann: Enchanted
SugarRush: I'm waiting for the dwarves to tuck Alex in for the night :)
Ann: Tuck Alex in or tuck into Alex?
Sebastian: The cottage was very dirty, and untidy...
SugarRush: and give him a sponge-bath...
Kozha: The dwarves' cottage was of course low-ceilinged, but they failed to apologise for the way it made the fair youth have to bend over...
Sebastian: and they could find no spare clothes for him but a brief frilly apron, and a pair of shiny black boots.
* DrRuthless faints
SugarRush: ooooo black boots!
Sebastian: "Oh dear," said the youth, flexing a feather duster. "Let me get this place spick and span, while you all freshen up"
Ann: Recap: light petting by dwarves, Alex is in the cottage
SugarRush: *flexing* a feather duster?
DrRuthless: wearing a frilly apron and shiny black boots.
Sebastian: The smell of all those sweaty dwarves in the tiny cottage was rather powerful
DrRuthless: Alex can do anything, Sugar!
Ann: Alex *knows* flexing
DrRuthless: And feather dusters, too
* SugarRush gets the image of Alex in an apron and shiny black boots firmly rooted in her brain.
Sebastian: The dwarves scurried to the well, while Alex flicked his tool around the room
Ann: And reaching those hard-to-get-to spots...
* DrRuthless faints all over again.
Sebastian: They washed, and got into their nightshirts, and scurried back..
DrRuthless: The thought of Frohike in a nightshirt is a bit too much for me!
Sebastian: Meanwhile, Alex had discovered that there was only one, extremely wide but short bed, upstairs.
PlotBunny: Hehehe
DrRuthless: He could lie across it.
Sebastian: He put fresh sheets on it... and handed each dwarf a cup of cocoa...
PlotBunny: Cocoa? shrieked Scully. I'm on a diet
DrRuthless: Tooms wanted cod liver oil...
Sebastian: and they all climbed into bed. "But where shall I sleep, " Wailed Alex. "I'm *so* tired.
PlotBunny: For a moment there was chaos as each attempted to secure Alex a place next to them.
Sebastian: "Don't worry," said the dwarves, as one, "You can lie across our tummies." They all had round fat tummies...
DrRuthless: Be a bit lumpy, wouldn't it?
Sebastian: (Too much cocoa)
Sebastian: Soon, Alex had been massaged to sleep. When he awoke, the dwarves had gone to work, and he was all sticky again. He sighed.
SugarRush: And rolled over on his back
PlotBunny: Hehehe
Sebastian: He would have to work out a rota... He put on his boots and apron, and headed for the kitchen. Meanwhile, back at Carter's palace, the arm had been placed in the deepfreeze, and each day, he would go and gloat over it. Skinner the Huntsman grew complacent and didn't question the stupid tasks Carter gave him to do..
DrRuthless: And occasionally changed expression.
Sebastian: The people of the land didn't forget Alex, but they stopped speaking of him... losing hope that he would return. And Carter decided to take a shufty at his mirror again..
DrRuthless: Merely becoming listless and pale... until a mailing list was created. Then they were merely pale.
Sebastian: because it had seriously pissed him off, and he'd loaned it to the make-up department. He descended to the satanic mills of the studio, and demanded it. A groveling flunky brought it, and placed it before him..
DrRuthless: So when he entered the room where the mirror was, it said, "Don't look now, folks, it's the has-been."
SugarRush: "you can go now, Frank," the Carter said
PlotBunny: Whereupon the mirror cried, "No. I'll do anything, just don't make me go back to him. Hell, I'll even reflect DogFace.
Sebastian: He flung back his silver locks, and asked his usual question...
PlotBunny: Do I look camp in this?
Ann: "Spotsy? How do I write a script?"
Sebastian: But the mirror replied.. "Huh, think you're the bee's knee's, do you?
DrRuthless: Mirror, mirror, on my show, let me hear the bullshit flow...
shadowfox: oh, yes Chris you most certainly do...
Sebastian: I've got news, Mr. Carter, sir
PlotBunny: Mirror, mirror on the wall, Tell me why the ratings fall
Sebastian: Alex is alive, and grows ever more beautiful... and if you don't want to look a complete dick-head, fetch him back" Carter turned beet-red, and threw a pile of rejected scripts at the glass
DrRuthless: So you will remain an incomplete dick-head...
Sebastian: they had heavy, well thought out plots, having been filched from fan-fiction and shattered the glass. He thought, if my people can't rid me of him, I will.
DrRuthless: CC dressed himself up in disguise?
Ann: Natural disguise
SugarRush: but the stench of jealousy followed him everywhere
DrRuthless: as an asshole?
Sebastian: CC disguised himself as... thingy... did ET... damn...
Sebastian: with a beard
DrRuthless: Thingy? Stephen Spielberg?
Sebastian: yup. Him.
Ann: ---thinks nice thoughts about SS, so NL gets cast in "Taken"
* DrRuthless helps.
Sebastian: and, disguising a poisonous script as a work of art, headed for the dwarves cottage.
DrRuthless: Plot point... How did CC know where to find the lovely Alex?
Sebastian: Spies... He knocked at the door, and Alex flung it open... DrRuthless: In his shiny black boots and frilly apron?
Ann: seductively fluttering lustrous lashes.
Sebastian: His muscles were browned and rippling, from months plying his tools in the cottage, and the vegetable patch. The apron was so worn as to be nearly transparent
Ann: (hopefully both not in the same manner)
SugarRush: ...the apron showing off his long, lovely flanks and butt to perfection :)
Sebastian: he spun around, and beckoned the bearded man in. Carter could not believe this vision could be the same lad...
Ann: He had never paid attention to anyone other than himself before.
Sebastian: but even if it wasn't, he'd have got rid of him on principle Inside, he invited the lovely Alex to perch on his knee, as he tempted him with the script. Alex began to read. At first, it seemed good, but then the awful lines, and shaky plot struck terror into his heart. With an awful cry, he fell, apparently dead, at Carter's feet. Carter cackled, and ran back to his palace in delight.
* Ann sobs hopelessly.
Sebastian: Once he returned, he had the prop department glue the mirror back together and asked his question. The mirror, which by now was a broken reed, said what it thought Carter wanted to hear...
PlotBunny: Mirror, mirror cracked and broke, Aren't you sorry now you spoke?
Ann: "Chris Carter, you are mislead. Alex will always be more beautiful, alive or dead"
Sebastian: and he was satisfied, and called in his minions to lick his boots for a while..
PlotBunny: While the minions took turns to trawl the job pages.
Sebastian: Back at the cottage, the Dwarves were heartbroken, all except Scully, who got pushed off the edge of the bed every night, and only ever got to pet Alex's toes. They cried... and Alex got all sticky again, as the dwarves said farewell
DrRuthless: Who's the handsome prince?
Sebastian: they put him in a crystal casket, and displayed him to the nation
DrRuthless: wearing that apron and boots!
Kozha: Which was more publicity than he had ever done in life...
Sebastian: he didn't get at all moldy, being supported by the love and hope of all the people in the land.
Sebastian: do we have Mulder be the handsome prince, or do I have any other suggestions?
DrRuthless: Mulder please...
Sebastian: Ok
PlotBunny: Mulder, Mulder, Mulder!
Ann: Who has better lips to save the day?
PlotBunny: Precisely.
Sebastian: The fame of his beauty spread far beyond the land, and people came to take a look... just like Lenin
Ann: Only much prettier
Sebastian: but prettier
DrRuthless: Only not so wrinkly
Sebastian: and with a lot less clothes. One day, a handsome prince, who had had some truck with Carter, and bested him in some battles, heard what had become of Alex. He remembered how beautiful he was, what promise he had, and was heartbroken to hear the news.
DrRuthless: I don't think it's Mulder that drives a truck
Sebastian: he rode up on his white charger, a huge Harley-Davidson motorbike and stopped by the shrine, to gaze on the lovely Alex, one last time. He took one look at his face, and fell in love.
Ann: ::sighs:: didn't we all...
Sebastian: The influence of the evil stepfather had prevented him from realising Alex's true beauty before
Dustin: One look and I was going, going, gone...
Sebastian: He knew that he would have to steal a kiss... to say goodbye
>* PlotBunny bounces off the walls
shadowfox: LOL! no more diet coke for you...
Sebastian: Taking a look around, because he didn't want anyone thinking Mulder was a necrophiliac, as well as all the other vices attributed to him, handsome prince or no, he lifted the lid of the casket, and held his breath, just in case.
DrRuthless: But Alex had brushed...
Sebastian: but the only scent was of sweet Alex, as if he had come freshly from the shower, and a whiff of leather boot.
* DrRuthless faints dead away again...
Sebastian: The handsome prince's sceptre rose, in proud appreciation of the lovely youth... and he bent to kiss the cold, dead lips, breathing the words... "If only you were still alive, my beautiful Alex. I would carry you off to Hollywood, to my palace of dreams, and all the movie directors would fall, languishing at your feet" Sebastian: As he touched his moth to Alex's, a slip of paper fell from Alex's mouth...
DrRuthless: His moth?
Sebastian: it was a portion of the poisonous script..
DrRuthless: That made for plot holes, right there
Sebastian: Grrr
Sebastian: and the words, "Krycek gets shot" were typed upon it, in strychnine flavored ink.
Dustin: I KNEW it was Buffalo Bill who killed Alex! I just *knew* it!!!
Sebastian: as soon as it happened, Alex's eyes fluttered open..
DrRuthless: And they were green...
Sebastian: and his voluptuous lashes brushed against Mulder's cheek.
>DrRuthless: Mossy, verdant, jade, forest,
Dustin: emerald
Sebastian: His eyes were virescent pools of pea green algae.
>DrRuthless: Of course.
Dustin: Deepest green of the deepest lagoon...
Sebastian: Anyway, He kissed Mulder back, enthusiastically
Ann: "I feel like a new man"
Sebastian: and dragged him down, holding him close, because he had always loved the handsome prince from afar but was too intimidated by his evil stepfather to say anything.
DrRuthless: Where are we going to find him a new man so late in the plot.
Sebastian: The handsome prince, thinking he had fallen into a dream, shrugged off his clothes, never taking his lips from Alex's
DrRuthless: That's always a good thing!
Sebastian: pulled up Alex's pinny
Ann: Thank goodness for *crystal* coffins
DrRuthless: We have a good view.
Sebastian: and (because we have no need of practical things in fairy stories)
DrRuthless: we don't need any lube! Yay!
Sebastian: lifted his legs, and slipped his princely sceptre inside our hero.
DrRuthless: Who murmured demurely, "More, I can take it!"
Sebastian: with groans, and kisses, and whispered endearments, they made love for hours and hours. Alex got more sticky than he had ever been in his life
DrRuthless: But by now he was used to it
Sebastian: and when they finally came up for air, there was a silent crowd around them, all looking glassy-eyed, and standing in a big puddle of drool... Seeing they had been spotted, the crowd grinned, and cheered
PlotBunny: And even Scully's hair was mussed
DrRuthless: waved flags and threw money in the hopes that they would do it again.
Sebastian: and, lifting the two aloft, carried them off to the cathedral, where they were immediately married. The apron was used for a veil and there were 10,000 bridesmaids...
Ann: Whoot!
DrRuthless: Mac 27s?
Sebastian: every one a slasher with a posy, made of fanfiction origami
DrRuthless: What became of the wicked stepfather, mommie?
Sebastian: hum...
Ann: Heh. Remember our yellow-eyed dwarf?
* Sebastian scratches head
Ann: Must be hungry by now, huh?
DrRuthless: Oooh... Pate de foie de CC
Sebastian: Ok... the yellow eyed dwarf didn't fancy any thing laid out for the wedding breakfast
Ann: except Alex, but I digress...
Sebastian: and everyone was at the wedding, except *one* person, the evil stepfather. He sniffed him out... The evil stepfather was pleased to see him, thinking he could stretch him to another episode
Ann: Ha!
DrRuthless: He does stretch really well...
Sebastian: but Tooms had another idea, altogether, and was ready for a few year's nap
DrRuthless: Yay!
Ann: Yesss!
PlotBunny: Hurrah! ::waving Sue's flags::
Sebastian: he jumped on the evil stepfather and ate up his liver, and left the bleeding and empty body on the floor, in front of a delighted, and laughing, but rather crazed mirror.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Sebastian: End? please?
Ann: And they all lived happily ever after...
Sebastian: oh.. yes. Sorry :)
Ann: No, thank *you*!
DrRuthless: There will be a short service...
PlotBunny: Why?
DrRuthless: For the mirror.
Sebastian: aww..
PlotBunny: Awww.
Ann: ::sniff:: I love happy endings
Sebastian: Goodness.. Peter pan last week.. Snow white this week. What next, eh?
Ann: Hansel and Hansel?
End
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
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