Ratman
by Dr. Ruthless
[g] You know you wanna...
Badfic ahoy... or should I say BATfic? Heheheh...
Author's Notes:Okay, this is really terrible, and was done for the Cube challenge. Why should they be the only ones to suffer? A script has recently fallen into my hands, here it is.
Spoilers: for everything in the world. Once you know about the rubber nipples you will know all
Disclaimer: I stole everything. I believe that possession is 9/10ths of the law, so it's mine now. Muahahaaa!
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Scene 1:
INT. RATCAVE
Deep within the Ratcave, somewhere beneath Arlington, Virginia, Ratman and Foxlet are getting dressed in figure hugging, mouth watering, tight, black spandex, with rubber nipples spray painted on. The RatVan plops down from a hole in the ceiling amidst a cloud of dust, and Ratman adjusts his codpiece, then moves to the driver's side.
Foxlet: I drive.
He elbows Ratman out of the way. Ratman steps on Foxlet's cape to hold him back.
Ratman: You know, Chernobyl, Exxon Valdez, Three Mile Island ... they were all linked to sleep deprivation. The U.S. Department of Transportation estimates that over 190,000 fatal car crashes every year are linked to sleepiness.
Foxlet: Don't wait up for us Sculfred.
Sculfred: slurred If I'm lucky, I'll be out before ten...[takes a long swig from a wine bottle and stumbles back to the pile of reports she still has to type.]...I don't suppose there's any point in asking where you're going?
But it is too late. With a screech of brakes, the RatVan zooms from the Ratcave and speeds towards a crime scene.
Scene 2:
EXT. A DESERTED ALLEY IN DOWNTOWN WASHINGTON DC - NIGHT
Two thugs are walking down a poorly lit alley. They are dressed in suits with stripes, and are carrying bags that have the word 'Loot' stenciled on them. They are shocked to see Ratman and Foxlet approach, pulling themselves along with a rope as if climbing a tall building. Before the criminals can react, Ratman leaps athletically to grab one by the throat and pushes him up against the wall.
1st Thug: scared What the hell are you?
Ratman: I'm Ratman.
Foxlet: And I'm...
A gunshot rings out and Foxlet, hit in the head, abruptly stops his introduction, falling out of view. The 2nd villain looks very pleased with himself as puts his gun away. Whirling around, he looks for Ratman, who drops onto his head with a loud yodeling cry. The villain makes a small 'meeping' sound and folds.
Ratman walks over to Foxlet and pulls a vial from his Futility Belt, clearly labeled "Rat Antidote good for curing alien viruses and gunshots to the head."
He pulls out the cork, throws away the vial, and plugs the hole in Foxlet's head. Foxlet wakes up and gets to his feet.
Foxlet: Holy brain drain, Ratman. [points off camera] Look!
Ratman walks over to the 1st Thug, who is lying unconscious. An alien artifact is in his hand, and as they approach, it begins to spin around, while the Twilight Zone music starts playing. Ratman takes the artifact, but screams and drops it as it begins to smoke.
Foxlet: The Cancerman! He must be up to his old tricks again. This alien artifact must be a vital clue which will tell us of his diabolical plans. See, there are markings on it.
Ratman: What does it say?
Foxlet: studying the artifact It says, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Scene 3:
INT. RATCAVE
Inside the Ratcave, Foxlet lies on a table surrounded by medical instruments. Ratman hovers over him wielding a huge mallet, a pair of giant pincers, and close by lies a chain saw. He is trying to repair the damage to Foxlet's head. Sculfred walks in from off camera.
Sculfred: AD Skinner called while you were away. He wants you to go get me more liquor.
Ratman: No...I don't think so.
Sculfred: Yes he did. picks up the Rat-cell-phone He called on this right here and said...passes out
Ratman: You were lucky tonight, Mulder. You could have gotten yourself killed. You can't take chances like that.
Foxlet: Just fix my head, okay? If I wanted a lecture, I would have stayed home with my parents.
Ratman: Mulder, you're parents are dead. I know. I was there.
Foxlet: Just fix the damn hole! If you leave it open, Frohike will be pouring his beer in it again, and you know that gives me a headache.
Ratman: There, it's done. Stand up.
Foxlet gets up off the table. The hole in his head is covered with a Band-Aid. He touches the healing wound.
Ratman: You should be fine. Just be careful. You suffered a massive head trauma, and might be prone to sudden blackouts.
Foxlet: Blackouts? How often?
Suddenly Foxlet lets out a yelp. His hand covers his head where the wound is, and he falls to the floor, unconscious. Ratman shakes his head, kneels down, and helps Foxlet up.
Ratman: Just be careful.
Ratman and Foxlet walk over to the Rat-computer. Ratman looks down at the Cancerman's artifact, which is lying on a table. He picks it up and looks at it.
Ratman: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" What does it all mean, Foxlet?
Foxlet: To get to the other side.
Ratman: That's JUST what the Cancerman wants us to think!
Foxlet: Let's see...Chicken...chickens have feathers. Feathers sound like fathers. When someone kills your father, you get really upset and beat them up a lot...
Ratman: You're on the right track, Foxlet. ! What else do chickens have?
Foxlet: Chickens have beaks...
Ratman: Not if you break them off.
Foxlet: Gee, Ratman, you're right! Well, let's see. Chickens lay eggs...
Ratman: Of course! How could I forget. Eggs. Hmm. The X-Files laid an egg in the last couple of seasons. They must be referring to that. continue.
Foxlet: Egg is really hard to wash out of fabric. It makes a spot on one's clothing.
Ratman: Hmmm. Spot. Spotnitz. Yes. I can see how he is in league with the nefarious Cancerman.
Foxlet: But who else? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Road...
Ratman: You may be on to something, Foxlet. Perhaps the Cancerman is playing a little word game. If we take the word "road" and remove the letters o, a, and d, and then add the letters s, k, i, n, n, e, we get the name of the Assistant Director, and I have always believed that he has nefarious goals!
Foxlet: Holy Socks, Ratman. What about some of the other words in the riddle? Cross...I have a cross on my living room window actually, even with Windex I can't get it off. I was thinking to try WD40.
Ratman: No, Foxlet. In the riddle, "cross" is used as verb, as in "to cross one's path," as if diving out in front of a vehicle.
Foxlet: A vehicle? You mean like a cart? Hmm. could Chris Carter be involved too?
Ratman: Good thinking, Boy Wonder! Even if he had nothing to do with it, he would claim that he had. But I get the feeling that we're overlooking someone...
Sculfred: wakes up momentarily and tries to focus on the Dynamic Duo Look at all the dead bodies. You want me to weigh their gizzards, don't you? I deserve so much better than this. Honestly, it makes me want to scream like a banshee.
Ratman: Banshee. Banshee. She. Shee-ban. That's it! Shiban. He's the perpetrator of many a foul plot.
Foxlet: Chicken! Fowl plot! Holy plot devices, Ratman. I crack myself up.
Ratman calmly takes out his gun and shoots Foxlet in the head, then sighs and reaches again for his Futility Belt.
Scene 4:
INT. RATCAVE
Foxlet has now got two band aids, and is looking somewhat chastened.
Ratman: Foxlet, we can't rush into any situation unprepared. I'll call up the files we have on each of the villains involved. Turn on the Rat-computer.
Foxlet flips a switch on the computer, which hums up and declares, "You've got mail." Ratman starts opening the files.
Ratman: The Cancerman C. G. B. Spender. He has committed many a nefarious act. He specializes in fathering babies all over the place. Pretty much everyone on the show was fathered by that smoking bastard.
Foxlet: Yeah, and I just get to watch porno flicks. There's no justice.
Ratman: Well, I'm always happy to help you out; you know that.
Foxlet: Is that why you always want me to hold the ransom notes while you press up behind me to read them over my shoulder?
Ratman: Uh, yeah.
INT. CHRIS CARTER'S HIDEOUT
Carter walks around his secret hideout nervously, awaiting the arrival of his guests. He is periodically checking on snacks, drinks, etc.
INT. RATCAVE
Ratman: Chris Carter. A small time sitcom writer, and surfer dude.
Foxlet: Sitcom? But the X-Files was not a sitcom.
Ratman: Right, and he was jealous of the prowess of the men he had hired to write it for him, so he got rid of them, wounding his own show terribly in the process. Somehow he survived...but he was changed into a maniacal, publicity-hungry terror.
Foxlet: And...
Ratman: And what?
Foxlet: And he had me edged out of the show bit by bit, forcing me to team up with you and become the Dynamic Duo.
Ratman: Oh yeah, that's right!
INT. CARTER'S HIDEOUT
There is a knock at the door. Carter opens it, and Spotnitz enters the hideout.
Spotnitz: What's on the menu this evening?
Carter: I believe we should dream up a little rat poison. What do you think of that?
Spotnitz: Carter, you're the prince of producers.
Carter: I try.
INT. RATCAVE
Ratman: My God! Carter, Shiban, Spotnitz and Spender, one can only imagine the kind of terror they could cause. I have to stop them!
Foxlet: WE have to stop them! When will you learn to trust me? And the next time we have to provide exposition and pathos for the villains, I want to do it! And I want a Foxletvan, and a Foxlet-signal, and...
Ratman shoots. Foxlet lets out a squeak and keels over.
Scene 6:
INT. CARTER'S HIDEOUT - MAIN ROOM
The villains have all arrived now, and are milling around talking amongst themselves.
Shiban: Anyone seen my thesaurus. I need another word for pustule.
Cancerman: Yes, well, I will certainly let the powers that be know you asked.
Shiban: Mr. Spender? How are you feeling?
Cancerman: Smokin'!.
Shiban: I hear that you once were a writer yourself.
Cancerman: Well, that was before I discovered my amazing powers of procreation.
Spotnitz: Hey what are you guys talking about?
Carter: We are here today to put an end to the travesty that is the Ratman. I believe that Foxlet is a spent force since Mr. Spender there removed a major part of his brain, and now it's time to do something about the Ratman.
The doorbell rings, and AD Skinner walks into the room.
Cancerman: Ah, Assistant Director. I do believe you're on time.
Carter: Help yourself to a villainous snack or two.
Skinner: What sort of snacks?
Carter: Cheetos of course.
INT. CARTER'S HIDEOUT - CONFERENCE ROOM
The main feature of the conference room is a big rectangular table. Cancerman sits down at the head. The others crowd around and take their seats.
Carter: Okay, first order of business. This meeting is supposed to be completely secret. I trust you all destroyed your invitations and told no one about our collaboration?
The camera pans around the table, and all of the villains nod in agreement, except Spotnitz.
Spotnitz: Uh...define "no one."
Carter: What did you do, you imbecile?!
Spotnitz: Oh, well, nothing really. I just...kinda...left a clue for Ratman. Which, if properly deciphered, will...sorta...give him insight not only to our criminal partnership, but to this meeting as well.
Cancerman: And what makes you think that Ratman WON'T decipher it?
Spotnitz: Well, it's pretty cryptic...and complicated...and...and cryptic.
Shiban: Well why did you leave it in the first place?
Spotnitz: It's a CLUE! Everyone says I'm fucking clueless, but it's not true!
Carter: Well, what's done is done. Now drop it. I suppose you all know the purpose of this gathering. We are here to put an end to Ratman. That caped rodent has been our only obstacle for as long as we've been criminals. In fact, how many of us here were created because of the Caped Crusader?
Skinner, Spotnitz, Carter, and Cancerman all look at each other in bafflement.
Carter: Exactly. It's about time we take the Rat by the whiskers and end his reign of do-goodery. I'm open to suggestions.
Cancerman: [raises his hand, a cigarette smoking between the first two fingers] I will unleash a reign of black oil on the city! Ratman will be buried beneath a flood of the stuff! He will watch his beloved Mulder perish! No one will be untouched by my nicotine stained hand of doom! I will destroy, destroy, DESTROY the Rat! First DC! Tomorrow the world! KILL the heroes! KILL THEM!!!
Carter: Whoa, Tiger! Let's just, uh, cool down, okay? How about something a little more subtle. I don't think DC is any good to us under alien domination.
Shiban raises his hand and waits until he has everyone's attention.
Shiban: I suggest we unleash an army of my goat-suckers on the...
Skinner: Oh, SHUT UP! Why don't I just shoot the fucker?
Spotnitz suddenly begins to groan. Black goo starts dripping from his mouth and he starts choking. He keels over and dies. There is an awkward pause.
Carter: Any other plans? No? Good. I'm glad I came up with my OWN scheme to rid us of Ratman. What's the one thing that will bring Ratman out in the open and right into our trap?
Shiban: Cheese?
Cancerman: CHEESE?! What do you mean cheese, you idiot!
Carter: Besides cheese. How about...a damsel in distress to bring out our knight in shining rubber?
Cancerman: I think Foxlet will have something to say about that!
Skinner: How about I just shoot the fucker?
Carter: I've got a faboo idea. How about Skinner shoots him? I must call a press conference to tell everyone my idea.
Skinner: Fawning Hey, why didn't I think of that?
All villains laugh maniacally.
EXT. KRYCEK MANOR
Carter: Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
Ratman: What?
Carter: I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it.
Ratman: I don't get it.
Carter: Well...you will! Oh, boy, are you gonna get it.
INT. KRYCEK MANOR - THE STUDY
Alex is sitting on a couch, relaxing after dinner. He is interrupted when Mulder storms into the room.
Mulder: Why can't you just trust me?!
Alex: Listen, Mulder, you nearly got killed in that fight with the Carter's henchmen. You can't expect me to let you...
Mulder: I'm not talking about that!
Alex: Then what...?
Mulder holds up a toaster, its plug dangling behind. On the toaster is a hand-written note which reads, "Mulder, keep off!"
Mulder: Why don't you ever let me use the damn toaster?! We're family, dammit, and you should trust me! What, do you think I'll burn the house down making some freakin' Pop-Tarts?
Scene 9:
INT. KRYCEK MANOR - THE STUDY - NIGHT
Alex is reading a book by a window, looking solemn. The room is dark. Mulder walks in.
Mulder: Alex, I was playing down in the cave and look what I found!
Alex: Why, it's my old Rat-night vision goggles! Puts them on Oh look, I can see the entire... Suddenly, an unbelievably bright light filters through the window Whoaaaaaaaa! Rips off the goggles
Mulder: Alex, it's the Ratsignal!
The Ratsignal is seen shining brightly through the window.
Alex: AD Skinner needs me! God bless the Ratsignal, a beacon that calms the worried masses, that reassures their safety, that...
Mulder: I want a Foxlet-signal.
Alex: Shut up, Mulder! You, stay here! Me, to the Ratcave!
Mulder: Why can't I come? Aren't I your partner? Don't you trust me?
Alex: Yeah, uh, sure I trust you...but listen, I'm Sculfred's sponsor and with me away, who's going to keep him on the wagon?
Mulder: On the...Sculfred hasn't even SEEN the wagon, Alex! You don't trust me!
Alex: Of course I trust you. That's why you have the most important job in the world--watching the cave while I'm away.
Alex slides down the Ratpole.
Scene 10:
INT. HOOVER BLDG AD SKINNER'S OFFICE
Skinner is sitting at his desk fiddling with some pencils. His secretary's voice is heard over the intercom.
Secretary: Assistant Director, Ratman is here to see you.
Skinner: Does he have an appointment?
Ratman walks in.
Ratman: I think that signal in the sky is appointment enough.
Skinner: Signal? Oh yeah! Ratman, we received a video tape from Chris Carter. But then we taped over it by accident. But luckily, Blockbuster Video had several copies. I think you should see this.
He turns on the TV and the tape begins to play. CANCERMAN appears on the set. Cancerman: Cancerman here. Before I go on, I'd like to thank our sponsors. Texaco, star of the American road, and Budweiser, the King of Beers, who proudly gives the Budweiser Villain of the Week award to Lex Luthor for unleashing a mutant cockroach on Metropolis. Great going, Lex. Now let's get down to business. We are tired of your eternal thwarting of our plans. It's time for you to die. Voice: [From off camera] Shut up you idiot!
Skinner: Awww. fuck! He pulls out a gun and shoots Ratman in the head. Ratman keels over.
Foxlet: I paid off your cab. Hey, I don't appreciate being ditched like someone's bad date. He looks down at the body of Ratman. Holy hangover cures, Ratman. Dropping to his knees, he begins to search through the Futility Belt for the cure.
EXT. A BUSY STREET IN DC - DAY
Ratman and Foxlet chase the villains out of their hideout onto the streets of DC.
Foxlet: To the RatVan!
Ratman: Uh, Foxlet, there's something you should know.
Foxlet: looking around Hey, where's the RatVan?
Ratman: Millionaire philanthropist Alex Krycek decided to donate the RatVan, given to him by his friend Ratman...
Foxlet: Cut the crap! What did you DO?!
Cut to a shot of the RatVan at Disneyland, sitting in front of Ratman: The Ride.
Foxlet: I see. Well, how are we supposed to catch the villains now?
Ratman: Come on, Foxlet! Let's chase them on foot. These Rat-boots were made for walking!
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN DC - NIGHT
Music slowly builds up over a black screen. At a climactic point in the score, the Ratsignal pings on, filling the field of view. Ratman, silhouetted, runs in front of the light, and is soon joined by Foxlet. Villains run in from the sides, and, before long, every extra in the movie is out there, too, all running towards the camera. Suddenly, Foxlet blacks out and falls. Chaos ensues as everyone else trips over him.
Fade to Black
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
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