I've Been Alone For This Long
by Frankie
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. They are property of FOX and Chris Carter.
Rated: T for language
Pairing: M/K
Summary: The boys are just trying to get by. They're together, but for how long?
Author's Notes: Since CC fucked us over royally when it came to these two, I've decided that canon is bullshit. So, technically, this is AU. No particular place in the timeline other than post-Tunguska. As far as I'm concerned, they were at their slashy best with the kiss in TRatB. I guess I lied. There's your timeline. Everything after that kiss is bullshit. I'm purging so there's going to be a lot of processing for these two. May-July 2002
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
"Fucking bitch!"
Krycek threw open the front door with such force, Mulder had to scramble to stop it from slamming against the wall a second time.
"Would you calm down?" he said levelly. "My door didn't do anything to you."
"Don't you start," Krycek growled, ripping off his jacket and hurling it to the floor.
"What am I starting? I'm just asking you to calm the fuck down. I do have neighbors, you know."
"Well, fuck your neighbors and fuck you."
Mulder took a deep breath and forced a smile. It was obvious he was struggling to keep his own temper in check.
"Alex," he said softly, "would you like to talk about it?"
"You asked me that in the car."
"I know I did," Mulder said, his voice still calm and steady, "but you didn't answer me."
Krycek pursed his lips and glared at Mulder before shaking his head.
"No, I don't want to talk."
"Okay then," Mulder nodded and went into the kitchen to put down the bags he was carrying. "I'll get the food set out if you want to get some drinks."
With an annoyed snort, Krycek stepped into the kitchen behind Mulder and started taking out silverware, plates and glasses.
"I said I'd get the stuff for the food," Mulder said, his voice gentle as he laid a hand over Krycek's.
"So now I can't do this right?" Krycek snapped. "Look, why don't you do everything since I can't get a handle on the simplest of orders."
"Alex, I wasn't--"
Before Mulder could finish his thought, Krycek had turned and stormed into the living room. Soon, Mulder could hear the blare of the television - it sounded like auto racing. Shaking his head, Mulder tended to the take out, piling up plates with curry and rice, then taking them into the living room.
"Here you go," he said, handing Krycek a plate then sitting down next to him.
Krycek stared at the food then sighe as he put it down. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. You need to eat, though."
"Mulder, I'm sorry," Krycek repeated.
Pausing for a second, Mulder swallowed and put his plate down. "What's going on?"
"I'm sorry for everything. I know why you wante me to see a shrink. It's so I would realize just how much I've hurt you."
"Alex, that's not--"
"Look, I don't care if you did it on purpose, the fact is she's starting to break through and I don't like it."
"And that's why you got so upset today?"
Krycek nodded. "It's like... She's been making me talk about all the stuff that I'd pretty much buried and I can't stand it. I feel so fucking bad, man."
"But that's part of the process when you're trying to heal," Mulder said, putting his arm around Krycek's shoulders. "It's not going to be easy."
"I know that," Krycek said, sounding frustrated but tired, "but I never thought it would be this hard." He sniffed, and for the first time, Mulder saw he was crying. "I don't like thinking about these things. I don't like the way it makes me feel."
"How does it make you feel?" The question was gentle.
"Like I'm nothing. It reminds me that I've always been nothing and that's all I'll ever be."
"Jesus, that's not even close to being true," Mulder choked, pulling Krycek to him and rubbing his back. "Don't say that about yourself."
"Why not? It's true." Krycek wiped at his face and pulled away. "You're going through all this shit and you expect me to be there for you, but I can't. I want to, but I just... I can't, Mulder."
"What stuff am I going through?" Mulder asked, stroking Krycek's cheek and flinching when Alex pulled away as if Mulder had burned him.
"Your dad's dead, your best friend was dying of cancer and you don't really have a guarantee it won't come back, other people close to you have died... What the hell does what I'm going through matter?"
"I never said--"
"No," Krycek said firmly, "you never said in so many words that your shit matters more than mine, but I get that feeling from you."
"Now you're being ridiculous," Mulder shook his head.
"Probably," Krycek shrugged, "but it's how I feel. You know I hate all that touchy feely shit about emotions and the bullshit that goes with it, but because you made me start seeing someone--"
"I never made you go," Mulder interrupted Krycek this time. "You were having nightmares and I suggested that talking about them would get to the root of the problem."
"The root of the problem is I'm a cold blooded killer whose guilt has finally decided to make an appearance," Krycek said ruefully. "No mystery there."
"Regardless," Mulder sighed, suddenly looking very tired, "you're in therapy now. I think it's good that you're getting in touch with your emotions."
Krycek started, looking at Mulder as if he'd just told him he'd bought them a deluxe trip for two to Pluto. "If you want me to keep respecting you, you'll cut that shit out, okay?"
Mulder looked flustered, blushing slightly as he nodded. "Sorry, I forgot who I was dealing with."
"Yeah, you seem to do that a lot."
"And what does that mean?" Mulder asked wearily.
"The point is," Krycek said, deliberately avoiding the question, "you get so upset with me when I cut off your questions, and then when I try to share shit with you, you start in on how much you're going through. Like my problems don't matter. Why can't you either understand that you're not the only person in the world with problems, or just let me blow off some steam when I feel like no one listens to me except some bitch who gets paid to do it?" He laughed sadly. "I hate to break it to you, baby, but this is me. I'm selfish and I want you to understand. I want to tell you everything about me, but I'm scared to think about what that might entail."
"Can I say something without you going ballistic?"
"Shoot."
"You're sort of sharing your emotions right now."
"Don't start with me, Mulder. I told you."
"Jesus," Mulder said, finally raising his voice, "why the fuck is it so hard for you to admit you're a human being?"
"Because no one wants to think of me that way. I'm a one-dimensional caricature of a bad guy. If I start to show a different side, suddenly I'm not falling into everybody's idea of what I should be."
"Who's 'everybody'?" Mulder asked impatiently. "And why the fuck should you care?"
Krycek stood up, his hands clenched into fists. "I need to go."
"What? Why?"
"Because I want to get out of here. I need air...or something." He shook his head, looking a little lost as he glanced around the room. "I'm not sure if I'll be back. Put my stuff in storage if it gets in your way."
Mulder stood up, panicked. "Alex, please--"
"No, I have to go. I wanted to try and figure this all out so we could be together, but I can't. I can't... Mulder, I've been alone for this long and I don't know if that can change now."
"Alex, this is crazy," Mulder said, his voice rising as Krycek started for the door. "Please, don't leave. We can talk about this. We can--"
"Fuck the therapy, Mulder," Krycek winked then smiled sadly. "I really wanted to try, you know."
"I know," Mulder nodded, the words catching in his throat. "Please, don't leave me, Alex."
Krycek hesitated before pulling the door open. "If you care at all about me, don't follow me. Let me come back on my own. Please."
Mulder stood helplessly, unable to say anything, simply watching as the door closed behind Krycek.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
"He's an asshole," Mulder spat, making short work of the shot in front of him and shuddering as it went down, liquid fire coursing through him.
"Who is?" the blond woman behind the bar asked, drying glasses as she waited on her last customer of the night. He'd been there for a couple of hours and was steadily reaching the limit where she'd cut him off. This was the first time he'd said anything other than his drink order.
"Alex. He's my..." Mulder began laughing, his shoulders shaking as he broke into hysterics. "He's my boyfriend. I've got a boyfriend..." The laughter quickly tapered off and he frowned at her. "He left me."
"Sorry to hear that."
"Yeah, me too." Sighing, Mulder pushed the empty glass forward, smiling when it was refilled. "He's been gone for three weeks. Needs to find himself." He snickered and took a sip. "I didn't know he was lost."
"So he's coming back," she said.
"Maybe. Maybe he'll figure out that he's better off without me and I'll never see him again." He looked up at her, eyes hazy. "You know what I'd do if I never saw him again?"
"What's that?"
"I'd just end it all. I'd just blow my fucking brains out."
"Okay, I think it's last call for you, buddy." The bartender smiled at Mulder to conceal her concern, carefully taking the shot glass from his fingers.
"Who died and made you the boss of me?" Mulder slurred, reaching for some peanuts and clumsily dumping a few in his mouth.
"No one," she shrugged, picking up the bowl of nuts and wiping the bar beneath it. "I just know when my customers have had more than is good for them."
"You don't know anything," Mulder grumbled.
"I remember you, you know." She laughed at the surprised look on Mulder's face, hoping he'd forgotten his drunken threat to hurt himself. "I don't get too many people in here talking about global government conspiracies, so you'd be pretty hard to forget."
Mulder blinked owlishly at her then shook his head. "Yet you still want to cut me off. Knowing what my life is like..."
That made her laugh again, and she set a glass of water in front of him. "My shift ends in half an hour. If you can make it, you want to grab some coffee and talk?"
"Why would you do that for me?" Mulder asked, eyes narrowed as he swayed on his stool.
"Because I'm a walking cliche."
Mulder considered her for a few long moments before shaking his head. "Thanks, but I need to figure this out on my own."
"You sure about that?"
"I have to. That's what he's doing. Figuring it all out like he's some kind of..." He waved his hand in the air as he searched for the right word. "Some kind of figuring out guy."
"You got someone else you can talk to?" she frowned.
"Just my Scully. Her name's partner."
Biting her lip, the bartender nodded. "So, talk to her."
"Nah," he said with a snort, "she'd never understand. I'm not supposed to be pining away for him, see. She doesn't know, anyway. She'd kill me." He pouted and pushed the water back. "It would save me the trouble, though."
"Sounds like you could really use a friend. Want me to call her?"
"Nope. I'm being a drama queen." He chuckled and mimed putting a gun to his head. "And I'm too self-involved to ever kill myself."
"Should I believe that?"
"Yes, you should."
"Okay, but if you change your mind..." She stopped when he shot her a dirty look that told her to back off. "Well, good luck with your boyfriend."
"Thank you," Mulder pursed his lips and nodded sagely. Sitting still for a few more mind numbing seconds, he appeared to snap himself out of his stupor, and, moving with the extreme care only a drunk can manage, fished his wallet and his phone out of his jacket pocket. "Can you call me a cab?" he smiled sleepily, putting the phone down then taking out some money to pay his tab.
The bartender took the phone and did as she was asked, a knowing, sympathetic expression on her face as she regarded Mulder. "Okay, you're a cab," she said softly, handing the phone back to him. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
"Yes ma'am," Mulder said, missing his head as he tried to salute her and almost falling off the stool in the process. Catching himself, he grinned sheepishly and slunk off towards the exit.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
RIIIINNNNG!
"Shut the fuck up."
The phone rang again and Mulder mumbled another obscenity before grabbing the handset.
"Do you know what time it is?" he growled.
"It's time for you to get your ass out of bed."
Mulder was up like a shot, ignoring the pounding of his head as it protested the sudden movement. "Alex? Alex, it's you..."
There was a pause then a nervous voice stammered about Mulder changing long distance service and opening himself up to the greatest savings of his life.
"What? I...I'm not interested." Mulder slammed the phone down and collapsed back onto the bed, tears already streaking down his face as he buried it against the pillow that still smelled so much like Alex. "Where are you?" he sobbed, bunching the pillowcase in his fist. "Where the fuck are you?"
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
The waiting room was small. It had probably served as the utility room before the house had been converted into a private practice. Sitting in the white wicker chair and staring at the colorful abstract painting on the wall always made Alex feel as if he was visiting an old aunt instead of waiting to see his therapist.
He frowned at the collection of magazines atop the small glass table next to him. Why the fuck was he here? There wasn't anything this woman could do for him but take his money and leave him emotionally spent by the time his fifty minutes were up.
"Alex?"
The soft voice made Alex jump and he forced a sheepish smile.
"I didn't mean to scare you." She was tall, thin and, as usual, struck Alex as a hippie who hadn't quite learned to live in the present.
"I was just daydreaming," Alex said, standing up and entering the place he was beginning to think of as his safe haven as well as the room where his demons were stored.
"About anything in particular?" she asked, taking a seat in the oversized white armchair next to the large couch where Alex chose to sit.
"You know, just stuff." He looked around, smiling at the collection of toys on the bottom of her bookshelf. "When do I get to break out Candyland and get in touch with my inner child, Bev?"
She laughed. "I had you figured for the Mr. Potato Head type, myself."
"I can't do both?"
They both laughed at this and Alex felt himself beginning to relax. It was the same routine. Apprehension and tension filled him when he was waiting, but once he sat down, he felt human. The only other time he felt that way was when he was with Mulder.
"Alex?"
"Yeah?"
"I asked how your week went."
"Oh," he shrugged and slumped down in his seat, "you know. The usual."
"Does that mean you haven't gone to see Mulder?"
"Maybe." His fingers were busy plucking at a loose thread on a couch cushion and he avoided looking at her.
"I thought that perhaps the reason you missed your last two appointments was because you were with him."
Alex arched an eyebrow and raised his eyes to her, his head still down. "Is that your subtle way of telling me I'm a bad boy for only coming once this week?"
"I'm not telling you anything," she said gently. "Would you like to tell me why you didn't come in?"
"I was apartment hunting."
"That's good," she smiled. "I'm glad that you've decided to leave the motel. Have you found a place?"
"Yup," Alex nodded. "Feels good to be on my own, you know?"
"I'm sure it does."
"Yeah, I think Fox was crowding me a little. You know, he figures that just because we've known each other for years, I can just jump into domestic bliss with him. It doesn't work that way. *I* don't work that way."
"Have you told him that?"
Alex snorted and picked up a throw pillow, hugging it to his chest. "If you knew him, you'd know that it's impossible to talk to him about this kind of shit. He'd think I was telling him he's not good enough when the fact is I'm not good enough."
"Not good enough for what?"
"For him. For a normal life." He tossed the pillow aside and sat up, elbows resting on his knees. "For anything more than an amazing fuck."
She didn't bat an eye, and Alex felt a strange sense of comfort that she'd somehow proven to him again that he couldn't surprise or offend her.
"What makes you think you're not good enough for a normal life or for more than sex?"
"Because I'm Alex Krycek," he frowned. "Once Mulder and I got past the bullshit posturing, we figured out what we really wanted to do was fuck each other's brains out. We've done that. What the hell do we do once we have to get past the sex?"
She tilted her head, narrowing her eyes slightly. "Get past?"
"Yeah, once he realizes that he wants more from me than my dick."
"What do you think he'll want?"
"Love. Commitment. I don't know," he snapped. "Matching towels. Whatever it is, I can't give it to him."
"Why is that?"
Alex pursed his lips, nostrils flaring. He struck his thigh with his balled fist and sat back again. "Don't you want to know where my new place is?"
Bev shifted in her chair, nodding, a gentle smile on her face at the abrupt change of subject.
"Why don't you tell me."
"It's a pretty nice building. Nothing fancy, but it's not a slum either. I already know one of my neighbors."
"Really? That's very good, Alex. It must make it easier to live where you can get to know people."
"Oh, I knew him before I moved in."
"I see. So, a friend helped you find your new apartment?"
Alex laughed and shook his head. "I'll let you off the hook, Bev. I'm in Mulder's building."
A slight nod and a raised eyebrow were the only reaction. "Does he know you're there?"
"Nope." Alex's smile widened. "It's perfect. I can watch him and be close to him, but he has no idea. He's stopped checking for bugs and cameras so I'm home free."
Bev frowned. "You're spying on him, Alex?"
"Yup. And he really, really misses me."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Fantastic. You should see the way he cries. It makes me feel good, like maybe he really does care about me."
"Seeing him cry makes you feel good?"
"Knowing he cares makes me feel good."
"And you know he cares because he cries for you? And that crying makes you feel good?"
Alex's jaw clenched and he narrowed his eyes at her. "Knowing he cares makes me feel good," he repeated, enunciating each word as if she hadn't understood him the first time.
She nodded, knowing it was a lost cause at that point in time. "Is that what you want? To know he cares?"
"Of course it is," Alex laughed. "Who doesn't like knowing someone cares about them? That's the stuff that great romances are made of."
"What do you consider a great romance?"
"Real love," Alex grinned, his features softening and making him look carefree and young for a brief moment. "Love and not having to worry that you'll lose everything for fucking up. Living happily ever after," he sighed.
"Do you want a great romance?"
"Sure, why not?
"But I thought you didn't want commitment."
"No, I don't deserve commitment."
Bev regarded him for a moment and tilted her head thoughtfully. "This is getting back to what you told me about your father. Do you think that Mulder believes you aren't deserving of his affection?"
Alex shifted and stared at a picture on the wall behind Bev. "Where'd you get that? I like it."
"Alex, remember when I told you that I would call you on certain things if I felt I needed to?"
"Just don't, okay?" he growled, suddenly glaring at her so fiercely it looked as if he'd lunge at her at any moment. The darkness left his eyes as quickly as it had appeared and he relaxed against the back of the couch.
Bev cleared her throat and waited until he was settled. "How long have you been spying on him?"
"About a week and a half."
"Have you thought about talking to him?"
"Yeah."
"Why don't you?"
Alex rolled his eyes. "Gee, could it be the whole betrayal and sudden desertion thing?"
"If he's crying for you, I'm sure he--"
"I like watching him."
Bev nodded. "Okay, let's go with this. Why do you like to watch him?"
"What's not to like?" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a worn leather wallet. "I showed you this, right?" he asked, taking out a photo and handing it to Bev.
She took it and nodded as she looked at the official ID photo. "Yes, I remember this. You said you found it when the two of you worked together?"
"Yeah, I did," Alex smiled, brushing his finger over the faded picture before slipping it back into the wallet. "It's been a lot of places with me."
"It looks well traveled."
"You have no idea how much looking at that mug kept me sane."
Bev studied him, taking in a different side of him.
"He's been a comfort to you?"
"Yeah, he has." Alex's voice was small and his eyes had a faraway look in them. "He'll never know how much he's been there for me."
"You obviously care about him very much," Bev said softly.
"I think I do, yeah."
"And you know he cares about you."
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
The softness was gone and the defensive mask was back in place. "Just because he's crying doesn't mean I can go back just yet."
"But you care about him."
"I said I did."
"Don't you think it's a little cruel to do that to someone you care about?"
"To do what?"
"Watch him cry for you. Spy on him when he's obviously missing you, yet do nothing about it."
"Not at all." Alex shook his head, completely sure of what he was saying. "For all I know he's only missing my physical presence. I'm going to wait until he proves he loves me."
"So you do want him to love you."
Alex bristled. "I want proof. You tried to feed me some line of bullshit about being worthy of love. Remember that?"
Bev nodded. "I remember. It's true."
"Well, all I'm doing is waiting for him to prove I'm worthy."
"I see. What kind of proof are you looking for?"
The smile on Alex's face turned feral, and he leaned forward as if he was about to share a deep, dark secret.
"Complete and utter desperation," he whispered.
"Meaning...?"
"He's gotta be willing to die for me."
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Mulder stared up at the ceiling. He couldn't remember the last time he'd literally stayed in bed for a whole weekend - alone, that is - but he felt no inclination to get out for much other than the call of nature. He closed his eyes and by the time he opened them again, another hour had gone by. That's what it had been like since Alex left. Time was creeping along, offering him none of the relief he was hoping for, but only underscoring his loneliness.
The ringing of the phone startled him, and he stared at it with wide eyes, his heart racing in his chest at the thought that maybe it would be the call he'd been waiting for all these weeks. His hand shook as he reached for it and he felt faint when he sat up a little.
"Yeah?" His voice was hoarse from lack of use.
"Mulder, it's me."
Mulder couldn't help but smile as the familiar voice filtered through the line.
"What's up, Scully?"
"Why aren't you at work?"
"Because it's Sunday. Did you need me to come in for something?"
Scully sighed and Mulder cringed a little as he waited for her to tell him that's exactly what she wanted.
"Mulder, it's Tuesday."
He frowned in confusion. "What? No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is. I covered for you yesterday because you said you thought you were coming down with something on Friday. But when I didn't hear from you today... Mulder, are you okay? Do you need me to bring anything by?"
"No!" It was said too harshly, too quickly, and Mulder could hear the gasp of surprise.
"Mulder, what's going on?"
"Nothing, Scully. I...I'm just not doing too well. I...need some time to myself."
"You're scaring me, Mulder."
"Don't be so dramatic," Mulder forced a weak laugh. "That's my department, remember?"
"I'm concerned, Mulder. You don't sound like yourself." Scully sounded impatient and Mulder winced a little. Whether it was because he didn't want to be bothered with her or whether he was touched, he couldn't tell.
"I'm just tired," he said listlessly. "Trust me, the only thing I need is to be left alone to rest."
"Mulder..."
"Scully, I'm taking some time off. If I need you, I'll call."
"No, you won't."
"Okay, maybe I won't, but I don't want you worrying about me."
"Too late."
Mulder closed his eyes and put a hand over them. "Scully, I'll check in with you in a few days."
"How long are you going to be off?" Scully asked, resigned.
"I don't know. I...I need to go."
"Mulder--"
"Bye, Scully." Mulder hung up the phone before he could hear another word. He felt restless and angry, irritable with the thought that Scully thought she could fix this.
"Who the hell does she think she is?" he growled, getting up and swaying a little before carefully sitting back down. "I'm allowed to be alone," he muttered, looking around the room. Something Alex had said before he left echoed through his head and he hung his head. "You're not the only one who's used to being alone," he choked, wiping at his eyes then lying down again. "But I don't like it, Alex. I fucking hate it."
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
At the sound of his name, Alex sat up, peering closer at the black and white image on the security monitor. Smiling, he watched as his lover continued to mumble to himself, and felt the stirring of arousal at the desolation in Mulder's voice.
"Why'd you leave me?" Mulder cried, and for a moment Alex wondered if he knew he was being watched.
An annoyed grunt from the man on the screen and he threw the covers off, once more. He lay in his bed, completely exposed to the prying eyes studying his every move. Alex's hand strayed down to his crotch, and, as if by magic, Mulder mirrored his movements, resting his hand almost primly over his penis.
"Come on, Mulder," Alex whispered to the monitor, leaning even closer. "Do something stupid so I can save you. Make me do something right for the first time in my--"
The shrill of his cell phone cut him off, and he cursed as he scrambled to answer it.
"What?" he growled.
"Hello, Alex, it's Bev. I was just calling to see if you were going to be coming in today."
Krycek frowned. He'd been skipping his sessions ever since Bev had tried to talk him out of his surveillance activities, but this was the first time she'd ever called to see if he was going to show.
"What do you think?" he asked, finger idly touching the screen, tracing the outline of the lithe body that was lying so perfectly still. If didn't know better, he'd swear Mulder was posing for him.
"I think you need to come in," she replied, "but since I can't force you to, I have to know if I can leave my office early. You're my last appointment--"
"I'll be in," Krycek smiled, feeling a twinge of satisfaction at ruining someone's plans.
"Okay," Bev sighed, "I'll be here. I have to tell you that if you don't show up again, I'm going to present the option for you to see someone else. I'll be happy to make a referral--"
"Are you dumping me? That's not very understanding of you," Alex tsked. "Can't you get thrown out of the do-gooder's association for that?"
"If you're not showing up for our sessions, I can only gather that you aren't satisfied with my performance."
"Hey, I never said I didn't like you," Alex said quickly. "Don't let me go, Bev. I'll be in today, I promise."
"Alex, I'm not trying to force you to do anything," Bev repeated. "As your therapist, I'm concerned about you and your recent behavior. However, if you'd rather see someone you feel would be of more assistance to you, I will understand."
"Yeah, you said that," Krycek said, his brow furrowing. "I really get the feeling you're trying to get rid of me. I don't think I like that."
"That's not what I'm doing, Alex."
"Then why did you call me? You haven't done that before."
"I told you. If it were possible, I was going to leave my office early tonight, but if you'll be coming in, I can delay my plans."
"Sounds like you didn't expect me to show."
"You've missed our last five appointments, Alex, yet you continue to reschedule." Her voice was calm and understanding. "I would like to be here for you if you choose to come in this time."
"Why?"
"Because you're my client--"
"Patient," Alex laughed. "You can say patient, Bev. I'm a nutball and you're just the lady to straighten me out."
"I don't think you're a--"
"Look," Alex said impatiently, "I'm going to be there. I'll let you give it your best shot. Deal?"
"Deal."
Krycek hung up the phone and tossed it onto the mattress in the corner of the room. He turned his attention back to Mulder, pleased to see that he'd fallen asleep again. Alex loved to watch him sleep.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
"You're not going to hypnotize me." Alex glared at the man sitting across from him.
"That's not what I was planning to do."
Krycek frowned. "That's what you just said."
"No, what I said was we would work together to uncover the secrets you're hiding from yourself."
Krycek raised an eyebrow. "That's the kind of bullshit Mulder spouts when he talks about going under." He shook his head. "No dice."
"Alex," Bev said, sitting forward a little, "would you like me to ask Dr. Keshishian to leave?"
"No, he can be here, but I just don't want him to hypnotize me."
"That's not what he's suggesting."
"Then what else is there? What the fuck is going to work that way?"
"Deep relaxation," Dr. Keshishian said, "allowing yourself to let your guard down long enough to--"
"I never let my guard down, doc," Alex smirked.
"Perhaps you should," the doctor smiled.
Krycek's eyes darkened and he clenched his fist. "You want to get rid of this asshole?" he asked Bev. "I've changed my mind about letting him sit in."
"Of course I'll leave," the doctor said, remaining professionally unruffled.
Alex pursed his lips and stared coldly at him until he finally stood and put out his hand.
"It was good meeting you."
"Bye," Alex said, still eyeing the doctor with as much distrust as he could muster.
Bev and the doctor said their goodbyes and soon it was just Alex and his therapist.
"I don't like being ambushed," Alex frowned, picking at the same couch cushion he always did.
"Is that how you felt?"
"Yes."
"But you gave Dr. Keshishian permission to observe."
"Observing and trying to hypnotize me are two different things."
"So you felt ambushed..."
"I sure did. I agree to come in and you've got some quack sitting here."
"Why didn't you say no when I asked about him sitting in?"
Alex sighed and looked at Bev as if she'd lost her mind. "Because you asked me."
"You felt you couldn't say no because I asked you?" Bev tilted her head, eyes narrowed. "Why is that?"
"Because I'm falling madly in love with you, Bev," Alex said softly then burst out laughing at the flicker of concern in Bev's eyes. "Jesus, I'm just fucking with you," he said, still laughing as he shook his head. "I don't know, Bev. I said yes because I figured you hadn't really fucked me over before. Why would you start now? Guess I was wrong," he added with a shrug.
"How did I fuck you over, Alex?"
"Like everyone else, you're trying to figure out what makes me tick. I don't like it."
Bev smiled and relaxed back in her chair. "I hate to break it to you, Alex, but that's the purpose of therapy. Why did you come here if you didn't want to figure out what makes you tick?"
"I know what makes me who I am," Alex snorted. "Mulder's the one who--" A defensive mask descended over his features. "He thought I needed to know about my dreams."
"Did you tell him that you haven't wanted to talk about those?"
"It's none of his business. Especially not now."
"How's he been lately?" Bev asked casually. "Are you still keeping an eye on him?"
"That's funny."
"What is?"
"I just said what I do is none of his business, and now you're pointing out the fact that I'm spying on him and making him *my* business."
"Is that what I did?" Bev smiled. "Actually, I was going to ask if you'd done anything besides watch him."
"Yeah, right," Alex sniffed. "If you must know, he's looking pretty miserable. I'm just waiting for him to do something stupid so I can rescue him."
"What do you mean by something stupid?"
"If he tries to hurt himself, I'll show up and save him," Alex replied as if she'd asked him the stupidest question in the world.
"So you want him to hurt himself before you'll go back to him?"
"I want him to need me."
Bev cleared her throat, shifting in the chair. "You said he's miserable now?"
"Yup."
"Why is that, do you think?"
"He keeps mumbling about missing me," Alex shrugged.
"Do you think that means he needs you?"
Krycek paused, looking at her thoughtfully for a few minutes. "I'm...not sure."
"What do you think it means?"
"He...he..." There was a lump in Alex's throat and he coughed softly in an attempt to clear it. "He probably misses the sex. That's all I'm good for."
"Why do you--"
"I have to go," Alex said, rising quickly to his feet. "Good seeing you, Bev. I'm not coming in again."
"Alex, I--"
"Don't call me," Alex growled, making a run for the door and out of the office before he could hear anything else.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Mulder turned over restlessly, mumbling to himself as the ringing of the phone disturbed his sleep. As he slowly came back to consciousness, he debated letting it ring. It wouldn't be Alex - not after this long. But there was always the chance...
"'Lo?"
"Jesus, Mulder, you sound like shit. Meet me at Sal's in an hour."
***Mulder had never dressed and showered so fast in his life. His hunger and exhaustion were forgotten as he struggled to get cleaned up and as presentable as he could in time to meet Alex.
Meet me at Sal's in an hour.
Laughing with relief as Alex's words echoed in his head, Mulder decided to forsake shaving in favor of hunting down his car keys. Crowing triumphantly when he found them under a stack of mail on the living room floor, he tossed them in the air then caught them with a weak, but heartfelt flourish. He patted his pockets to make sure he had his wallet on him and looked around for anything he might be forgetting.
"Okay. All set," he muttered nervously, giddy with anticipation, joy and a touch of dread he wasn't quite ready to fully acknowledge.
All that mattered right now was the he was back. Alex was back. The details of how to keep him from leaving again would have to wait.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Sal's was the type of place a person frequented if they knew the people who already patronized it. Outsiders were never welcome unless accompanied by someone in the know, and people in the know rarely brought along outsiders. It was a bundle of contradictions - like the customers who filled it on a nightly basis. Liquor flowed easily, the smoking never stopped, fights were a nightly occurrence, but it was decent. As decent as a dank hole in the wall could be, anyway. Whatever anyone thought of it, to Alex it was as close to a home as he'd ever gotten.
The sudden tensing of the bartender when the door opened alerted Alex that Mulder had arrived. Alex knew that Mulder'd be okay once Sal recognized him, so he didn't intervene when a couple of brutes approached the lithe agent and started to hassle him.
"It's okay," a voice boomed from behind the bar. "He's Alex's."
Alex couldn't miss the pleased smile that spread across Mulder's face at hearing that, and, for just a second, he thought about tossing his plan and just diving into Mulder's arms.
Fuck the plan, fuck the pride, just take him back, bad boy.
Knocking back the shot in front of him, Alex silenced the nagging little voice that had been telling him to grow the fuck up. He needed to do this; needed to find out for sure where he really stood.
He sat back in his chair, breathing slowly and evenly, forcing his heart to stop racing as he watched Mulder make his way to his table. When their eyes met and Mulder hesitated, Alex clenched his fist to make himself stay still and silent. Mulder would have to come to him - all the way to him - without any help.
After what seemed like hours, Mulder finally stood at the table, his fear and excitement so obvious, Alex couldn't breathe for wanting to touch him and hold him and tell him it was all going to be okay.
But he couldn't do that. Not yet.
"Alex," Mulder said, breaking the silence. "You're back."
"I never went anywhere," Alex smiled slyly, toying with the empty shot glass so Mulder wouldn't see how much he was shaking.
"You mean you've been in town this whole time?" Mulder murmured, his eyes never leaving Alex as he fumbled for a chair and took a seat. "Why...why didn't you call me? Why did you... Alex, why did you leave me?"
"What've you been up to, Mulder?" Alex signaled to Sal for a bottle of what he'd been drinking, plus another glass. "Still fighting the good fight?"
"I haven't really been doing all that much," Mulder said, his face falling when Alex ignored his questions.
"You look like shit." "Guess I look as good as I sound, huh?"
Alex frowned, then smiled when he got Mulder's reference. "Got that right. What, has Scully been keeping you up nights?" he asked with a lascivious wag of his tongue.
A flash of anger shot through Mulder's eyes. "Did you bring me here to fuck with me, Alex? Because if you did, I've got better things to do."
"Whoa, easy there, sexy," Alex laughed, pouring shots for both of them once the liquor arrived. "I'm just yanking your chain. You know how much I like to get a rise out of you." He dipped his finger into his glass and licked it clean with a long, exaggerated swipe of his tongue topped off by a lewd sucking motion. "Hell, you know how much *you* like it."
Mulder's expression had changed to lust laced with confusion as he watched Alex tease him. "Why did you call me?" he asked softly, sounding defeated as his joy drained from him.
"I missed...this place," Alex shrugged. "Figured I might as well have company if I was here."
"I thought you hadn't gone anywhere."
"I didn't."
"So why didn't you come here?"
Alex downed his shot and refilled his glass. "You're not drinking. I'm going to be insulted if you keep sitting there without partaking of my generous hospitality." He grinned and emptied his glass one more time.
Resigned, Mulder picked up his glass and took a sip. "I haven't really eaten anything today," he said softly, wincing a little as the liquor burned its way into his stomach. "I shouldn't drink."
"Not eating, Mulder?" Alex chuckled. "Is that a symptom of how much you missed me?"
Too tired and desolate to put up much of a fight, Mulder simply nodded. "You wouldn't believe how much I've missed you."
"Prove it." Alex's voice was low and raw, the sudden need in it unmistakable to anyone who knew him.
Mulder sat up a little. "What do you want me to do?" he asked, knowing he sounded desperate, but not giving a damn at that particular moment.
"I..." Alex shook his head and gave a little grunt of disgust. "Forget I said anything."
"No, I won't forget," Mulder said, his voice stronger as he sensed Alex's resolve weakening. When Alex didn't comment further, Mulder grabbed his arm. "Tell me what you want me to do," he whispered. "Please, Alex..."
For a few minutes, Alex could do nothing more but stare at the face of the man who'd caused him so much pain, given him so much pleasure and never once known how much it all meant to him. Alex was positive that Mulder was completely clueless when it came to anyone but himself - a slight shudder when he realized that perhaps Scully could empathize - so telling him what was going through his mind would be fruitless.
"Well? Aren't you going to tell me?" Mulder's grip had tightened and he looked as desperate as any man begging for something he suspected he would never be allowed to have.
"Do you really care?" Alex asked, the words bitter in his mouth as he poured another drink. "Am I really supposed to believe you give a fuck about proving anything to me?"
"Yes. Yes, you are." Mulder's hand moved to cover Alex's. "I haven't been able to eat or do anything more than sleep and be miserable," he said, his thumb idly brushing over the back of Alex's hand as he took a tentative hold of it. "Even when I sleep, I dream about you and what we've been through. Sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes it's...not so wonderful." He swallowed nervously, his discomfort increasing when Alex didn't respond in any way. "Alex, I want to love you."
That garnered a look of surprise quickly followed by the familiar veil of cool and calculated distance.
"Who's stopping you?" he asked, the words catching in his throat.
Mulder let go of the breath he'd been holding and managed a slight, tired smile.
"You are."
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Krycek bristled and snatched his hand away. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"Just what it sounds like," Mulder said calmly. "You won't let me love you because you..." He sighed and drank his shot, coughing as it went down. "I don't know exactly why. You started to tell me about what you're uncovering in therapy and then you shut down." Giving Alex an accusatory look, he refilled his glass. "You're always fucking shutting down."
"I thought you said you weren't going to drink. You haven't eaten anything." Krycek looked just as surprised as Mulder at the concern, and he cleared his throat, suddenly looking very uneasy.
"Careful, Alex," Mulder smiled sadly, "I might think you actually give a shit."
"Of course I give a shit," Krycek snapped. "Why the fuck do you think I'm pouring out my guts to someone? For the thrill? No, asshole, I'm doing it so I can be someone who--" He bit his lip and shook his head. "Forget it. I don't know why I thought this would work. We're never going to work, Mulder. Anyone with half a brain can see that. We're too different. We've hurt each other too much."
"Please, don't hold back," Mulder said, his voice shaking. "Tell me exactly what you think, because up to now, you've been the picture of subtlety."
"God, you don't even get it," Alex sneered.
Mulder slammed his glass down on the table. "Then help me, goddammit! I can't figure this out alone. Not if you refuse to tell me what the fuck I'm doing wrong."
Krycek's face softened for a moment and he stared at Mulder. "Why do you think you're doing anything wrong?"
"I must be. I must have done or said something to make you leave. I've forgiven you for everything you've done to me, but I guess you can't get past what I've done to you."
"What? That's not even--"
"Like hell it's not!" By now the usually oblivious crowd had turned to see if their favorite barmate was going to get into some trouble. "I don't know why you won't be straight with me," Mulder continued, "but I know that's what Bev's been talking to you about."
"You do?" Alex looked, a little shocked.
"Damn right I do. The shit she's bringing up with you has nothing to do with you. It's all about me. Isn't it?"
Krycek stared at Mulder for a few minutes, enough time for the other patrons to lose interest. Even when he started laughing, no one batted an eye other than to order more drinks.
"Glad you think it's funny to drive me crazy," Mulder snorted. "I guess some things never change."
"You're not kidding they don't," Alex chuckled. "Jesus, Mulder, you never change, do you? You actually think this is all about you."
"That's the only thing it could be."
Getting to his feet, Krycek smiled down at his lover and shook his head. "Look, you can believe what you want. I'm leaving. If you want to follow me, you can." He tossed some money on the table. "You might be interested in where I'm going."
"You just expect me to follow you, don't you?"
Krycek's shoulders went back as he took on a defensive posture and clenched his jaw. "I don't expect anything from you, Mulder. I've finally learned that. Do what the hell you want."
"I don't need your permission to do that, you know," Mulder sneered, standing up and wobbling a little, unaware of the flash of concern that crossed Alex's face. "You don't have any power over me, anymore."
"Like I ever had any," Krycek laughed, the sound hollow and sad. "No one has power over you, Mulder. You've always done what you wanted, no matter how much you'd like to think others control you."
"That's not true. There are some things I haven't been able to control."
"Bullshit! You've *always* done what you wanted," Alex repeated, louder. "You love being in control, Mulder. Admit it!"
"I haven't been able to control *anything*," Mulder said, his voice thick with grief as he stared at Alex. "My life's been out of my hands since I was twelve and my sister was abducted."
Krycek rolled his eyes. "Jesus, Mulder, get over it, already. So you were traumatized as a kid. Who wasn't?"
Mulder's eyes narrowed. "Oh, I guess you're the only one who's entitled to use his past as an excuse to be an asshole."
"You don't know anything about my past," Alex growled.
"And whose fault is that?"
Neither man said anything, the question hanging in the air between them.
"It's always my fault, isn't it?" Alex asked at last, looking tired and fed up. "I can't do anything to please you."
"Don't pawn this off on me."
"Why not? That's what you always do to me. You're the first to say we shouldn't lay blame, but first chance you get you tell me it's my fault."
Mulder let out a slow breath, his entire demeanor softening at the hurt expression on Alex's face.
"Just talk to me, Alex," he whispered, unaware of the eyes once again watching them with a great deal of interest. "Tell me what I can do to get past this bullshit."
Alex looked at Mulder with such surprise it would have been comical if not for the situation.
"You really..." He nodded slowly, chewing on his lip as he thought about what his next move should be. "Okay, come with me."
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Mulder hadn't said a word from the time they left Sal's to the time they parked in front of his building. Alex had insisted on driving, and, despite Alex's inebriation, Mulder hadn't argued, curious to see where exactly they would end up. Seeing the familiar facade made his hopes sink fast.
"Why'd you bring me home?" he asked sadly.
"I didn't. At least not your home." Alex shushed Mulder when he started to speak again and got out of the car.
Not sure what else to do, Mulder followed him, growing more confused as they entered the apartment building and headed for the elevator. Once inside, Mulder couldn't stay quiet. "I don't--"
"Shh," Alex cut him off again and pressed the button for the fifth floor.
They rode up in silence, Mulder too afraid to voice the conclusion he was coming to, but still baffled as to Krycek's motives. When the creaky doors opened, Mulder followed Krycek out of the elevator and to the apartment at the end of the hall. Opening the door with a flourish, Alex stepped aside to allow Mulder to enter.
"Welcome to Casa Krycek," he said with a hesitant grin. "Please excuse the decor, but I wasn't really expecting to stick around for too long."
Mulder entered, wide-eyed as he stared at all the surveillance equipment. When he focused on the image on one of the monitors, the color drained from his face.
"That's my bedroom," he whispered, pointing uselessly at the screen. "That's my fucking bedroom," his voice was stronger as he stepped closer. "What the fuck are cameras doing in my bedroom?" He turned around and glared at Alex before swiftly moving to pin him against the wall. "You're still selling me out to them aren't you!" he screamed, grabbing Krycek's collar and slamming him back against the wall.
"No, Mulder, I'm not," Alex said, defeated and not even attempting to fight back.
"They why are you doing it? Why'd you make me think you'd left me?"
"I...I..." Alex shook his head and Mulder was shocked to see tears welling up in his eyes. Letting go as if he'd been burned, Mulder watched, astonished, as Alex slid down the wall to sit on the floor in a crumpled heap.
"What's wrong with you?" Mulder asked, anger slowly ebbing away to be replaced with concern as he dropped to his knees beside the broken man. "Alex?"
There was no reply as Alex drew his knees up and buried his face against them. Long minutes ticked by in silence, and Mulder appeared horrified and anxious as he watched Krycek sit completely still except for a slight shaking of his shoulders.
"Alex..."
"Just leave me alone," Alex finally sobbed. "You'll never believe me."
"Try me," Mulder said gently, taking a chance as he slipped an arm around Krycek's shoulders.
"I've already done so much to you, but this was different. I don't want you to hate me."
"Why don't you explain yourself and let me decide if I hate you?" Mulder tried to make his voice light, his own discomfort at seeing Alex this way almost too much to handle.
"Why aren't you kicking my ass?" Krycek sniffed, leaning into Mulder as if seeking more comfort. For the first time it seemed as if he'd had more liquor than he could reasonably handle.
"Do you want me to?"
A slight pause. "Not really."
"Then explain what's going on and let me decide if that's what's called for, all right?"
"But this isn't like you," Krycek murmured. "Pinning me down was like you, but this..."
Mulder clenched his jaw, his patience starting to drain away. "Well, this isn't like you. I've never seen you cry like this. What the hell is going on? If I have to beat it out of you--"
Krycek raised his head, eyes narrowed. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? That's the only way you can--"
"It is not the only way I can express my feelings for you, Alex," Mulder sighed. "You have to know that the sex is a much more pleasant way for me to do that."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"Yes. Yes, I am."
"Fuck you, Mulder."
"I wish you would." Smiling, Mulder leaned in to kiss Alex, whimpering softly when the other man pulled away from him. "Wh--"
"I wanted to be near you somehow," Alex whispered. "I couldn't stay with you, but I couldn't leave."
"I'm sorry?"
"You wanted me to explain. I'm explaining."
"Oh," Mulder frowned, shaking his head as if trying to make himself listen and stop focusing on the mouth that was still so close to him. "Why didn't you tell me? I would have given you all the room you needed."
The skeptical look on Alex's face made him look like some long lost relative of Scully's and Mulder couldn't help but laugh.
"Okay, so maybe you're not that far gone."
"No, I'm not," Alex smiled weakly. "Now, do you want to hear this or not?"
All at once serious, Mulder took hold of Alex's hand, gripping it tightly in case his lover tried to snatch it back. "Yeah, I do. I want to know why you decided to call me today."
"It was something Bev made me--"
"You're still seeing Bev?" Mulder asked incredulously.
"Yeah, why?" The tone was unmistakably defensive.
"Nothing. I...I didn't think you'd keep seeing her. I thought you resented having to see her."
"Do me a favor? Don't think anymore."
Mulder grinned, nodding his head. "Okay, I can promise that for the time it takes you to explain, but I can't guarantee what'll happen after that." He instinctively pressed his lips to Alex's cheek, tightening his grip on the other man when he felt him tense. "Now, tell me what Bev said."
"She's been saying a lot of stuff, but the thing that's stuck most in my head is that I can't say I care aobut you and then want you to hurt yourself."
"You wanted me to hurt myself?"
"Yeah."
"Can I ask why?"
"So I could come in and save you and you'd be so happy to see me you'd forget about hating me."
Mulder frowned as he tried to follow Alex's logic. "Why do you think I hate you?"
"Please, Fox, don't play dumb. It doesn't suit you."
"Don't call me Fox."
A raised eyebrow and Alex looked like his old self again. "Way to focus on the important stuff, sexy."
Mulder sighed and leaned his head against Alex's. "I'm too tired to fight and you're too drunk to be your regular levelheaded self."
"You think I'm levelheaded when I'm sober?"
"More than I am, anyway," Mulder smiled sleepily, moving his arms and shifting so he was pressed close to Alex's side.
Changing positions almost without thinking, Alex hugged Mulder around his shoulders and rested his cheek against the feathery soft hair. "Would you mind if we talked about this when I can have more of an advantage?"
The only reply was a soft snore.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
June 1
I don't want to do this. Bev told me to start keeping a journal. I told her I didn't know what to write in it. She said to write down what I'm thinking. So, here we go.
I don't want to do this.
If it wasn't for Fox I wouldn't have to do this. He was disappointed when I told him I was going to stop seeing her. Fine. I'm seeing her again. Now I'm stuck with this. Shit.
I guess there are worse ways to spend my time. I can think of about two being the subject of an autopsy and getting strapped into an electric chair. God, I crack myself up.
Okay. What am I thinking?
1) I'm happy I'm staying at Fox's place - no need to keep renting my little spy studio. The funds were in danger of drying up because I'm not freelancing anymore. No way I'm staying involved in that shit if it means losing Fox.
2) Why won't Fox let me call him Fox? Jesus, man, get over it. It's a fucking hot name and I want to be able to say it when he's sucking my dick. You should see the goddamn look I get when I try it. Fox Fox Fox Fox. Hah. Can't do a damn thing about it now, can you, G-Man?
3) I really want some pizza.
Fox is sleeping. We've been talking. A lot. I'm getting tired of the talking, but it's what he wants. Still, if I don't get laid soon, I'm going to fuck him in his sleep.
That's a joke. Can I joke in this? I guess I can. She said it was for whatever I wanted to say.
This is fucking stupid.
Fox is still sleeping. I wonder if he knows he even looks tense when he sleeps. God, Fox, just let the fucking guard down.
Wake up, Fox. I promise not to keep you up all night talking if you just wake up now and buy me breakfast. I will even throw in a blowjob and a set of Ginsu knives.
He asked me if I could see us together in ten years. I laughed and he got pissed off. He thought I was laughing at him. I told him I didn't know if I'd be alive in ten years. He didn't seem to like that, either.
I want to wake him up. His shirt has ridden up and I want to lick his stomach. Think he'll mind? Ha ha. The fucker is making me crazy. How about we forget I'm scared to lose him and just go back to what we had? When the sex runs out, maybe I won't love him anymore.
He's up. Gotta go.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
June 6
More. Fucking. Talking.
You know what the theme seems to be today? How selfish I am.
Jesus, I know I'm selfish. It's hard to be a survivor AND a humanitarian. For such a smart guy, Fox is a fucking idiot sometimes. I need to count to ten and try not to rip his face off.
What the fuck is wrong with me today? I just want to back him into a corner and beat the living shit out of him. Sort of reminds me of the time BEFORE.
God. That's it. I think.
He wants me to attack him like the very first time.
I hope so, anyway.
If I do it and I'm wrong, I'm gonna be in deep shit.
Can you say shot between the eyes?
OR maybe I can get him pissed off enough to do me first. OR maybe he's just being a dick to me because that's what he wants to be.
Hurting me just for the sake of hurting me.
Can't say I don't deserve it.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
June 8
He apologized, you know. I thought I was gonna cry because he looked so fucking sorry for the things he said to me. I'm not sure if I like how human he makes me feel.
You're losing your edge, Alex. Fuck. It's been lost since the first time we made love.
It was supposed to be a quick fuck behind the bar, but something changed that night. He was gentler after that. He was willing to trust me when he had no reason to. I knew I loved him when the next time I saw him, I just stood there, waiting for his abuse. When it never came and he pulled me into his arms...
That was it, man. The rest is history.
Now, here we are.
I'm getting all nostalgic, feeling like I'm gonna die if I don't know for sure that I'll be with him for the rest of my life. How fucked up is that? He's making me into a fucking wimp. A needy wimp. I hate it but I can't ever let him go.
Fox, do you have any idea what you do to me? You must or else you wouldn't keep doing it. You love to torture me, don't you? Every time you look at me that way, it kills me. You bare everything to me, Fox. You really shouldn't do that. I wish I could make you see that you need to do a better job of protecting yourself, babe. Don't be so quick to let me in when I don't deserve it. Look at what I wanted you to do. I wanted you to be ready to die for me. For what? So I could feel like I had ultimate control over you? That's pretty fucking shitty, if you ask me.
What the hell are you thinking?
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
June 13
He and Scully are spending the night in some fucking two bit town so they can investigate some paranormal crock of shit. I should tell Fox that most of that stuff is fake, but if he gets joy out of chasing demons across the country, who am I to take that away from him?
But, damn, I miss him. I'm wearing his favorite pair of sweats and a T-shirt I dug out of the hamper, but it's not helping. I smell like him and it makes me miss him even more. Of course, he can't call me because Dr. Scully would soil her frumpy little "can you tell I'm a frigid bitch" panties. To be fair, there is nothing frumpy about her panties, but she sure does seem frigid to me. How can a woman have such a hot body with all that wildcat-in-bed potential and *still* be an ice queen? She needs a good fuck.
So do I. Boy, do I need a good, long, slow fuck. It's been interesting not getting off with Fox, though. Can you believe we're getting along like an actual couple? It's crazy, man. Don't call Good Housekeeping just yet. We're not exactly ready to be the featured domestic bliss story, but we're a hell of a lot more...normal than we were before. There's actually been less tension. Yes, that can be a good thing. I want to rip his clothes off and go to town, but the unhappy tension is gone. Sexual tension - good. Murderous rage and vengeance tension - bad. So, when I say less tension, that's what I mean.
Okay, I'm going to try and get some sleep. Think if I jerk off enough I'll just pass out from exhaustion?
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
June 21
Now this is my fault. Fox said that I'm the one who left so I'm the one who doesn't want this to go anywhere. What a crock of shit. If I didn't love the asshole so much I'd fucking shoot him between those gorgeous eyes. Motherfucker.
I don't know where he is. He's gone for a run, he says. Yeah, right. That was three fucking hours ago. You know what? I don't care. Let him go and get fucked by some handsome stranger. He'll come crawling back when he figures out he can't live without me.
I know he thinks he can't live without me. That's why I'm here. That and I love him.
I love him. I love him and I'm never going to say it to him. He might think he wants me now, but the second those words come out, he's gonna sucker punch me and tell me to wake the hell up.
Why the fuck have I done so much shit to hurt him? Bev isn't letting me ignore that shit anymore. When it starts to come up, she makes me keep talking about it. I hate it. I hate her. Sometimes.
I don't deserve to be with him, and he must be insane to want me in his life. I'm a piece of shit. I know that. He knows that. So why doesn't he just kick me out and tell me to never darken his doorstep again? I don't like that I was capable of doing those things to him. It wasn't my fault, but that doesn't make it any easier.
God, Fox, I wish I hadn't done those things. I wish I'd never made you hate me. Sure, I'm in your good graces now because you like the way I fuck you, but there's no way you've gotten over what I've done. It's the betrayal. I know you haven't forgotten that. I don't even know if you've really forgiven it.
I know what you're doing. You're waiting to reel me in completely and then you're going to laugh in my face and tell me it was all a set up. You're just waiting to break my heart.
But why haven't you let me touch you? It's been almost a month since I let you know I was around and we haven't even kissed. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Please don't tell me it's because you want to "wait until the moment is right." You know when the moment is right? Right fucking now. I swear, the second you walk through that door, I'm taking you down. Then I'm going down on you. Then your ass is mine. And that's just for starters. Maybe I'll let you fuck me for a change. You'd like that. Shit. Now I'm hard again. Fuck you, Fox.
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June 22
I feel like singing a fucking broadway tune, baby.
Fox came home. Said he just started running and didn't stop until he couldn't think anymore. Then...TA DAAAAA! He said he didn't care what I'd done, all that he could think about was how much he loves me and wants me and wants to help me deal with my "issues." I hate that fucking word, but that's what they are. He said he never wanted me to be there for what he's gone through because no one can help him deal but himself. Don't ask me why he doesn't think I can handle my shit on my own, but I don't think I really mind that he wants to help. It means he cares. I can't believe he cares. He cares about me. He loves me, man.
Can I please say that the sex was the best ever? He was still covered in sweat and smelled like...him. Just pure Mulder. God, it's hot. We didn't even get our clothes off before my dick was in his ass. We were good and naked for the next few times, though. He's asleep right now and he looks so good I just want to wake him up and make him come again. I might just start sucking his dick and see how long it takes him to open his eyes. Ha ha.
He's going to see Bev with me. How funny is that? Mulder and Krycek seeing a shrink together. Color me in an alternate universe or something. It's nice, though. We're going to get this worked out if it kills us. Let me rephrase that. Or not. Um, how about if I say...
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"Taking notes on me?"
Alex blushed and scrambled to put away his notebook.
"Just jotting down a few things I have to remember."
Mulder smiled, moaning as he stretched, body long and lean and glowing as early morning sunlight filtered through the half-closed blinds.
"If you're making a shopping list, make sure you put down oj and bagels."
"I'm not making a shopping list," Alex said, a wicked smile on his face as he crawled over to straddle the slim hips. "I'm making a list of all the things I want to do to you today."
"Oh yeah? And what would those things be?"
"Most of them entail exchanging bodily fluids," Alex laughed, bending his head to gently suck on Mulder's neck.
"Ah, we're doing some sort of blood ritual." "You're not funny, Mulder," the muffled voice replied.
"Come on, you think I'm hysterical. It's why you love me."
Alex raised his head and gazed thoughtfully at his lover. "What makes you so sure I love you? How do you know I'm not just using you for cheap thrills?"
"I don't," Mulder shrugged, raising his hand to stroke Alex's hair, "but I don't really mind the kind of thrills you use me for. They don't seem all that cheap to me, anyway."
"Well, you'd be surprised to know that I do love you."
A spark of genuine shock flashed in Mulder's eyes and he smiled broadly. "I knew it. I knew you loved me."
"Yeah, right."
"I did. It's why I drive you crazy."
"We drive each other crazy, genius."
"I know," Mulder laughed. His arms moved to wrap around Alex and he rolled so he was on top of the younger man, "and that's why we're perfect for each other."
"Mulder, you really need to start thinking about getting a life."
A swift kiss and Mulder smiled down at Alex. "That's precisely what I'm trying to do."
-- END --
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