Eat at Joe's: Now Playing:
Attack of the Killer Krycek Bunny Clones
by Ursula
Dis Claim Czech: The numerous Nick characters belong to the original owners. I had Amanda and Cory steal them for the purpose of this purloined letter. 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' is the blessed creation of Monty Python and company. Plot and dialog are borrowed for the purpose of parody only.
Dis Claim Czech Dva: The Krycek Bunnies belong to KMS Spider and appear at the request of Shael. No one fuzzy tail will be harmed. The story of behind the behinds of the Krycek Bunny Clones can be found at this page under "Keeping your boys on a short leash"
Series: This confusing bit of nonsense was requested by Shael and Emily who also play in the Nick Zone role playing game. It is a continuation of Ricky Caruso and Hole In The Plot
Author's Notes: Emily appears because she gave me a shrubbery and a topiary in the shape of Alex's buns last night to write this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Chia-pet occupied a lot of space at the end of the bar. Stupid thing was CC's idea for the next monster of the week. It failed as a menace. He really should have gone with the giant liver eating Brussels Sprout instead. Whimpers sounded from outside as a newly arriving character wiped his feet on the staked out body of Vaughn. Ah, it was the charming Tony Edwards arriving. Nothing like a good pair of cleats to raise welts on a naked back.
"I don't think much of your welcome mat, Joe." Tony said, vaulting onto the bar. Joe stealthily swiped the bar rag around the sweetly plump hind end. Just like the fan fiction authors, Joe got to look, imagine, but not get any except for the time Krycek had felt sorry for him. Have to say this for the great one. He was a generous man.
Ah, here he was. Laughing, Alex was carried in by Mulder and Victor. Doggett was following closely, but someone slammed the door in his face. Oh, that was Tom MacLaren going back out to use the mat, this time wearing ice skates. Piercing screams sounded from outside.
"Loud in here tonight." Tony remarked, trying not to look at Methos who was devouring Anson over on a table in the corner. My god, the boy was hitting notes that Tony hadn't heard since he had been dragged to an opera by a major league backer who turned out to only want to get his mitts on Tony's lush body.
A mosh pit of sorts had been dug in the corner. It was lined with washable cushions. Writhing bodies occupied every inch. Mulder whooped as he realized it was wall to wall Alex clones. He took a swan dive in and was last seen going down for the third time...and I mean that in the best of all possible ways.
"Gee Haw!" Carreening around the room, mounted on Walter (Desert him in the game, how dare he!) Skinner, Ricky Caruso dug spurs into his sometime lover's sides and laid on liberally with the whip he had "borrowed" from Scully's overnight bag. She hadn't noticed. Scully was slumped in the corner alternating swipes of Skippy Peanut Butter with Chocolate. Every once in a while, she was heard to mutter, "Kim, Marita, just because I'm knocked doesn't stop me from getting horny!" She blubbered.
Ricky's opponent was the inestimable Anson, mounted on his steed, Methos. Anson chortled in triumph as he won...by a nose.
Grumbling, Ricky said, "Okay, okay, I tell the tale to the Krycek bunnies."
Sliding down Walter's back, Ricky led him over the big velvet covered bed that occupied a corner. A large hole led downward to the Rat-Hole and the Ferret Cage. Lying on his belly, Ricky yelled, "Hey, you guys want a story or not?"
A torrent of Krycek bunnies immediately flooded from the opening. Ricky sprawled on the bed, using Walter as a pillow. He reached under the cover and emerged with a carrot shaped dildo. Hmm, now how did that get here? Okay, try again. The plot line for season eight...damn, he dropped it. Scrambling, Ricky tried to put it back in order until Walter gently took the script and refastened it in totally random fashion. Somewhat sadly, Walter said, "Believe me, Surfer-boy won't even notice."
Ah, here it was the story...it was covered with random splatters, but the letters of the title glowed and every picture was self-animated. Ricky noticed the Mac 27s creeping nearer, forming an android circle around the bed. They were adorable, almost as cute as the Krycek-Bunnies. Hey, what the hell...
Having removed the Trix rabbit and Bugs Bunny from the crowd, evicting them to play with Doggett, Ricky settled back down.
"Act the first," he intoned. "Well, actually this comes deep in the second half of the story. Ahem, would one of you bunnies like to sit on my knee?"
Promptly three of them wiggled into place. Oh those fuzzy tails!
"After the unexpectedly ferocious taunting at the castle, Hobbes and his men were greatly disheartened...
Ricky ignored the placating rub on his back from his errant pet, Walter, and settled down to his narration: And so Hobbes, and Wraith and Sir Pinocchio set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Wraith and Marita, and there was much rejoicing.
The Krycek-Bunny clones yipped, "Yay! Yay!"
Ricky liked audience participation. He continued, "In the frozen land of Ontario they were forced to eat Pinocchio's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing."
The Krycek-Bunny clones looked puzzled, but cheered again.
Skipping several pages at random, Ricky read, "A year passed. Winter changed into spring. Spring changed into summer. Summer changed back into winter. And winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn. Until one day... Frowning Ricky added, "That must have played hell with Mulder's wardrobe choices.
Eat at Joe's: Now Playing: Attack of the Killer Krycek Bunny Clones (2 of 3)
Scene 20
Followed by a rag tag horde of crossover characters, Hobbes shouted, "Villains! Forward!"
Kla-boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom
Blasts of great duration and power shook the earth as if Lt. Baines was playing with his toys.
A lightening blast revealed...a man in a long robe, wearing an obviously faked beard and a wizard's hat. The robe moved constantly of its own volition.
Hobbes mustarded his renowned hot dog courage and demanded, "What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?"
Wizard "I... am an enchanter."
Hobbes continued, "By what name are you known?"
The man who now appeared to be Krycek in considerable distress or at least, panting as he always seemed to be doing whenever Mulder was around, said, "There are some who call me... Tim?"
Hobbes pretended not to notice that the false beard was made of cotton candy and said, "Greetings, Tim, the Enchanter."
Tim appeared to sag back and nicely shod pair of feet emerged backwards from his robe. Hobbes craned to get a look as Pinocchio lifted the hem with his lance, revealing it was Mulder busily engaged in oral sex.
Tim said, "Greetings, King Hobbes!"
Hobbes gasped and said, "You know my name?" Actually, he was impressed that Krycek knew his own name under the circumstances.
Tim replied "I do," and nodded to his special effects man who was the beautiful Baines.
Zooooom! Another explosive was lobbed into the air, blowing a lurking Jeff Spender into the stratosphere.
Krycek said, "You seek the Whole Plot!"
Hobbes said, "That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
Tim agreed, "Quite," and added, "always do."
Baines ignited an alien shaped firework while manfully wrestling Michael into the bushes.
Hobbes tried to ignore the moans and groans emerging from the shaking shrubbery. He said, "Yes, we're, we're looking for the plot. Our quest is to find the Wholly Plot."
Innobotics, Consortium, and Harsh Realmers chorused, "It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah." Hobbes sulkily added, "Who is to say we're the villains."
Hobbes slowly enunciated, " And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it. But people keep stopping to screw and Mulder had a bunch of people at his apartment who haven't come out for more than a month. We think..." Hobbes looked about furtively, "It's a haunted apartment."
Various lackeys shouted, "Yes, we do. Haunted."
Wraith who appeared to have an antique adding machine incorporated into his skull said, "We have been searching for some time."
Pinocchio dolefully added, "Ages."
Hobbes gulped as the robe gave a frantic series of rising and fallings and stuttered out, "Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very ... helpful..."
Marita patted her bleached blonde hair and said, "Look, can you tell us wh-"
Boom, a bomb nearly landed on her. Alex was still a little miffed about being dumped after their fling in the ship.
Hobbes who also appeared to be a target for the enthused special effects man said, "Fine, uh, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, uh, find a, uh, a, um, a uh"
Tim demanded, "A what...?"
Hobbes shrieked, "A pl... a pl..."
Tim leaned close and said, " A Plot?"
Hobbes nearly fainted as a dud landed in his pocket, "Yes, I think so."
Lackey's chorus, "Yes, that's it. Yes," There was a momentary silence when the lackeys all realized they were uniformed as Original Star Trek Security officers AKA cannon fodder.
Tim chortled, " Yes!"
Lackeys or those remaining after Baines blew up two or three said, "Oh, thank you, splendid, fine."
Zowie! Boom! Kla-boom!
Hobbes retreated and said, "Look, you're a busy man, uh..."
Tim lifted his chin and widened his eyes, pausing to let everyone catch the lovely expression before continuing, "Yes, I can help you find the Wholly Plot."
Lackeys bringing out their dead gabbled, "Oh, thank you."
Tim intoned, " To the North there lies a cave ... the cave of 1013, wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Spender Senior proclaim the last resting place of the most Wholly Plot."
Hobbes asked, "Where could we find this cave, O Tim?"
Tim was speaking down the front of his robe and asking, "What is this about a month long absence when Skinner, Methos, Cory, Anson, and Dustin Yarma just happen to be at your place."
Hobbes finally realized there was another explanation for the absence then a haunted apartment.
A nervous voice, sounding very much like Mulder, shook as it said, "It was another me. I swear it was."
Krycek, I mean Tim, growled, "I'll deal with that later."
Turning his attention back to the motley crue...where the hell had those electric instruments come from? Tim said, " Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creatures so diabolical, so cruel that no man yet has fought with them and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave uh villains, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with big pointy teeth.
Running away briskly from Baines' deadly special effects, Hobbes screamed, "What an eccentric performance."
Scene 21
Clop, clop, whinny, clapping their SUVS together to make a horse like sound if you really have a good imagination, the villains continued on their quest. No matter that Surfer Dude recycled the same plot over and over... No, these valiant and not overly bright men must have a plot of their own.
Marita said, "They're nervous, sire."
Hobbes mournfully watched his compatriots lower the SUVs and said, "Then we'd best leave them here and carry-on on foot. Dismount!"
Tim appeared out of no where said, "Behold the cave of 1013!"
Hobbes yelled, "Right! Keep me covered."
"What with?" questioned Pinocchio.
Hobbes said, "Just keep me covered."
Blankets, condoms, pig dung, and a mad cow were promptly tossed at the man.
Tim cackled, "Too late!"
An ominous note played from an enormous organ, pricked at their ears.
Hobbes saw only a naked and seductive Alex clone with the cutest fuzzy tail. He asked, "What?"
Tim pointed and said, "There he is!"
Hobbes realized he was wearing his infrared glassed backwards and adjusted them. "Where?"
Tim said, "There!" Spotting Jess waving from the bushes, he was diverted to another movie, and added, "Werewolf."
Playing along, Hobbes asked, "Where?"
"There, there wolf" but Jess had changed back to human form.
Marita bitched, "Wrong movie. And tell Methos to dump the Rocky Horror Picture Show outfit. He had his turn."
Manfully getting back on script, Hobbes looked around and asked, "What, behind the rabbit?"
Tim explained, "It is the rabbit! Or rather the Krycek bunnies."
Hobbes screamed, "You silly sod! You got us all worked up!"
Tim said, " Look at them. Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most deadly, cruel, and sexy bunny you ever set eyes on."
Pinocchio complained, "You twit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!"
Tim said, "Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!"
Marita sniffed and held her nails out to her manicurist, uttering a scornful, "Get stuffed!"
Tim explained, "It'll do you a trick, mate!", ignoring the complaint from the bunnies who would never think to charge anything.
Marita said, "Oh, yeah?
Pinocchio spat, "You monkey's Scot's get!" (Somewhere, Duncan MacLeod took offense.)
Tim said, "I'm warning you!"
Pinocchio snorted and challenged, "What's he do, nibble your bum?"
Tim smiled at this and said "If you're lucky. He's got huge, erect ... he can leap about -- look at the bones!"
The place was scattered with smiling skulls.
Hobbes yelled, "Go on, Spender. Chop his head off!
Spender yelled, "Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! Where in the hell is my car bomb squad?"
Tim points to the cave where a Krycek Bunny appears, wiggling his bunny buns, "Look!"
[squeak]
Spender yelled, "Aaaugh! I'm melting. I'm melting."
Ominous musical interlude played by motley crue.
Hobbes whimpered, "CC!"
Tim smirking said, "I warned you!"
Pinocchio said, "I peed again!"
Tim said, "I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always..."
Hobbes said, "Oh, shut up!"
Scully arrived from no where. Ursula slapped a sign on her, pointing to her belly that said, "Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film."
Tim said, " But do they listen to me? I warn them not to take Scully, but they do. She ran up the national debt too shopping on the Consortium Visa when she was supposed to be abducted. I tell them, side with the rebels. No, they want to sell out the human race. Right! Couldn't even give it away most days."
Hobbes rolled his eyes and looked for duct tape, but said, " Right!"
Tim screamed appealing, "Oh, no!"
Villains shouting, "Charge! On Visa, On Master Card, On Discover..."
Remorseless squeaking emerges from the cave. Several red shirts are eaten.
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! Run away! Run away!
Tim loudly laughed, "Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw."
Hobbes said, "Right. How many did we lose?
Marita said, "Deep Throat. The well manicured man."
Hobbes added, "And Spender, Jr. That's five."
Wraith using his built in calculator said "Three, sir."
HOBBES: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit's dynamite."
Pinocchio asked, " Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?"
Hobbes replied, "Oh, shut up and go and change your armor."
Wraith said, "Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
Hobbes observed that Wraith had screwed his head on backwards and asked, "Like what?"
Wraith said, "Well.... It might poke his head out and we could put a bow on it or shoot it with a special gun."
Hobbes asked, "Do have we got bows? A special gun?"
Wraith mumbled, "I traded it for a Slinky, but it's a very good Slinky."
Marita replied "No."
Wraith pointed out "We have the Holy Hand Grenade."
Hobbes exulted, "Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Nickzonia! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Ursula carries with her! Ursula?"
There was a delay as Ursula had been out walking her dogs. She arrived dragging Fan4Richie by one ear, calling, "Emily! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!"
Hobbes asked, "How does it, uh... how does it work?"
Marita answered, "I know not, my liege." She was a blonde after all.
Hobbes ordered, "Consult the Book of Armaments!"
Emily said, "Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-one."
Ursula, getting into it, rolled out, "And Saint Baines raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. And the Surfer Dude did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large firm buns"
Emily suggested, "Skip a bit, Ursula."
Ursula glared and continued, "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Nickzonia towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
Emily added, "Amen."
All repeated, "Amen".
Hobbes yelled, "Right! One... two... five!"
Marita, the snot, corrected, "Three, sir!"
Hobbes stuck his tongue out, "Three!"
Boom
A huge sign popped up, "No characters may be harmed."
Several more joined it, spelling out, "Especially not Krycek-Bunnies"
"We'll throw Mulder in." Wraith declared, grabbing the FBI agent from under Krycek... uh... Tim's robes.
"Heeeeeeeeeey" screamed Mulder all the way down to the depths the deep dark cave.
Tim glared at Wraith and said, "Let me say two words, Wraith, Generic Batteries."
Wraith fainted dead away. There was along silence while moaning, groaning, and panting sounds came from the cave. Mulder did not return ... not even a boner of him.
Bunching up his robes, Krycek willing went after his lover. Cries of delight sounded from the depths. Time passed. And passed. Lo, it was like Mulder's apartment. No one emerged who entered there.
"Throw Marita in." suggested Ursula, regardless of being kicked by Emily.
And they did just that. She screamed all the way down. There was a brief silence and then she was promptly ejected, unharmed if covered with what appeared to be rabbit dung.
"Lost them both." Hobbes said, "I think SHE won't be pleased. I think we had better"
"Run away. Run Away," Wraith yelled.
"The End" intoned Ricky, who had just thought of a better use for the bed.
"No!" said one Krycek Bunny Clone.
"That's not a real story!" added another
"We're going to tell!" they all chorused.
"Watch TV instead," advised Ricky, pulling Mulder, Krycek, and Skinner under the covers.
This is part three, there shall not be four and five is right out. The number of the story segments is three...
The big screen TV lit and credits rolled....
It was the Jerry Springer-Sprung sketch.
The shifty eyed weasel in the gaudy suit intoned as if anything he said was of importance, "Tonight, Triple agent, Consortium assassins who may be secretly trying to save mankind, but are in love with FBI agents and Assistant Directors who have orgies without him."
Cue lights. Alex Krycek sprawls becomingly on a leather couch last seen in Mulder's apartment. The camera pans lovingly over his beautiful face, his gorgeous body, until the camera is inches from a beautiful eyelash, which looks an ebony tree trunk with this much magnification.
SSShhh-bang, the camera operator falls as Krycek puts away his gun. He looks at the audience and asks, "Did I kill him?"
Eagerly the Krycek-philes throw out, "No, it was an alien shape changer who just looked like you!"
"It was Cardinale hiding in your pocket."
"Yes, but the cameraman was evil. He deserved to die."
"For abusing Mulder" chorused agreement from several diehard Krycek fans.
"Yeah!" shouted the entire group.
Alex grinned and said; "Don't you just love it?"
The new cameraman admired from a distance. He panned back to reveal Mulder, nicely suited, but wearing a belt around his neck, kneeling at Krycek's feet.
Next to Krycek, a large, heavily muscled man sat in a crisp white work shirt and a well fitting suit. He wore a paper bag on his head on which is drawn a depiction of a balding head, wire rim glasses, and a cruelly sensuous mouth. The disguise was confusing; however, the man wore his FBI badge, which clearly identified him as Assistant Director Walter Skinner.
Words ran under the large man's image:
News Flash:
Assistant Director Walter Skinner has been found in an illicit love nest at his most difficult agent's apartment. Apparently, he has been participating in a month long orgy at Agent Fox Mulder's plush digs.
An in screen picture showed Methos, Cory, Anson, and Dustin Yarma being carted away by various police officers from the Commish. Skinner, a smirk on his face, is brought out, wearing handcuffs and a collar. A huge bulge and the outline of a cock ring can be clearly seen as a result of his very tight jeans. Mulder is carried out on a stretcher next.
Krycek glared at Mulder and said, "Well? I'm waiting for an explanation?"
Mulder offered a fearful grin. He said, "uh, it was another me?"
Walter said, "Mulder, I think we better tell him. The audience is a bit confused too."
Actually the audience was ecstatic. The auxiliary characters, Anson, Cory, Methos, and Dustin Yarma had become bored and were now enacting The Full Monty Python in the background. The hip thrusts, the grinding groins, the wriggling round derrieres, and the lovely sweating, sleek muscles filled the screen as the cameraman caught this for the happy home audience. Alone in a spotlight Denis-Denise Bryson writhed in a solitary rendition of "Diamonds are a girl's best friend".
Mulder sincerely looked into his lover's eyes and said, "Darling, we are role playing characters. This is the truth. We were all in my apartment and nothing was happening. I mean, in the game, I'm this weird multiple personality guy and the repressed side of my personality only comes for you. Plus Dustin Yarma isn't gay or doesn't think he likes men even though he...Anyway, our role players seem to have forgotten where they put us and have been off with their dysfunctional families, eating too much, drinking too much, and exchanging gifts such as yin yang bracelets."
Krycek sighed. Okay, Mulder was nuts. What was new? He said, "It's all right. Let me take you away to bed and make it all better."
"Good idea.' Mulder said, crawling away at the end of the belt.
Skinner left alone glanced about wildly as Springer approached him along with a dozen clamoring reporters. His face lit with an idea. He pointed out to Joe's Bar and yelled, "Watch out, Killer Krycek Bunny Clones!"
In the pandemonium, Skinner jumped out of the TV and dived into the Rat Hole, without even lube yet! And he made his escape...
Followed by all the sleepy sweet Krycek Bunny Clones and then by curious Mac 27s who had never been to the mystery of that place...
A writhing Anson butt filled the screen upon which the words were tattooed:
"The End"
~~~~~~~oo(O)oo~~~~~~~
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