Apocrypeepha: The Rejected Script
by Ursula
Disclaimer: This rough draft is a fictional work. The real X Files belongs to CC and Fox TV,
Teaser: This is the little scene where someone dies that is at the beginning of the show. The Monster of the Week makes a brief appearance so that when Scully is arguing with Mulder about some rational explanation we can all feel superior to her. This is a good thing.
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SCENE 1
SEX CLUB
PEARL HARBOR, HAWAII
AUGUST 19, 1944
First Class Semen stated "The slashers...wanted to hear my story. They said I owed it to them, to tell them the truth. I told them where to stick the truth. Little did I know the perves would enjoy it so much!"
The camera zoomed out to pan the man who was lying in a bed with hickeys all over him. In Hollywood, this is known as a bedpan.
"I'm the last man who knows who fucked the men aboard that submarine; who knows it was a sex cruise mission but I'll burn in hell before I tell the sex maniacs who sent us there," the Semen becomingly continued.
Bilious Mold, young, looking nothing like his future son, said, "That's why we came here all the way from Washington, sailor, to hear your story, to make sure that justice is best served cold. From the depths of hell, we spite theewhat? Oh, sorry, that's another script. Carry on."
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The stage set consisted of various beds, but most of them were empty because I was too cheap too hire extras for this story.
"You said that, after your outburst, the X.O. Tic Tac Toe Johansen, locked you up with your captain." Bilious Mold said, jutting his weak chin forward.
First Class Semen came back, "Johansen did what he had to. That's sex. Some are sacrificed so that others can rest. It was him or me and II was a slut."
Flashback: A man in a kilt kisses a pretty woman, drinks with a friend, and then strikes off friend's headOh, excuse me, damn Panzer flashback thing
A sailor yelled, "You gotta get us outta this place! I feel so broke up. I wanna go home, my grandfather and me." His uniform had the insignia of the Sloop John B.
The captain replied, "Come in my cabin. I know just what you need to calm you down."
Johansen, a Certified Plot Device arrived, and shut the door
Able Bodied Semen stated, "But when that door shut, I knew my cherry, all of our cherries had just been sacrificed." He smiled in reminiscence.
Sanford and Son said in unison, " Johansen! Open this door! Open this door! Johansen! Oh, lordy, it's the big one. I'm coming, Elizabeth."
Sanford and Son smiled for the camera and revealed they have pink, lavender, and yellow globs in their eyes. They have been infected by PEEPS!
Semen's voice narrated, "For the first time, I saw the sexy rat who was fucking us."
The other crewmen were aroused by the Rat. One of them stroked Johansen from the back with his tool, exciting him. They all approached Johansen who leaked pastel marshmallow goo from all of his orifices.
Seaman announced, "That Rat-God was causing the slow, arousing orgasms while the Peeps were inducing tooth decay, diabetes, and hyperactive behavior in all of the crew."
Seaman reflected, "It was hard, all I could was pray that one of the Japanese sex toys would finish the job."
Bilious Mold questioned, "You called this thing "the sexy rat". You're saying it was an entity of some sort?"
Semen was not listening to Bilious as he was watching young CSM insert cigarettes in all of his orifices and then light them. He rambled on, "The Consortium said we were sent to recover a sex-bomb. That's why we got all these hickeys. Gimme a freaking break. Whatever he was, we were sent to guard him. It waswas the greatest thrill of my life."
Bilious asked, "This was what exposed the crew to slash fan fictionation?"
Semen answered, "Before he walked away in the most sexy way back to where he came from, back into Mulder's arms and hiding Skinner under his bed, back to smearing Vic all over his body, back into who knows who. He broke our hearts as we realized that we were only original male minor characters never to see him again."
Bilious had a video cam, planning to record this for his son, Faux Molder and get him in more trouble with the consortium.
The Semen shuddered and said, "That thing... is still going down there! The producer will deny him... but you've got to make sure the truth gets out. I can trust you to do that, can't I, Mr. Molder?"
Mr. Molder looked at his partner's ass and paid no attention.
Young CSM put a cigarette in each nostril and lit them. Lavender, pink, yellow and new blue Peeps sat on his shoulder observing all. He stated, "You can trust us all. You're in good hands with all slash."
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SCENE 2
NORTHEAST GEORGETOWN Sex Club
WASHINGTON DC
PRESENT DAY
Scully arrived at the sex club, and went to the front desk. She asked, "Excuse me, where can I find Walter Skinner? He was brought in with a painful hard-on."
The woman at the desk was dressed as a bunny. She pointed Scully to a direction.
"Agent Scully," said a man wearing a huge sign, labeling him, "Agent Fullofit, Bureau Flunky Number Two. He does it with red tape." A cotton-clad woman accompanied him.
Scully said, "Agent Fullofit?"
Fullofit answered, "Yes, I'm Fullofit and this is Reagent Calico, specialist in cheap wild patterns. We got a call from the AC/DC police about Mr. Skinner's injury."
Scully didn't want to ask the next question, but the writer forced her to, "How bad is he?"
Fullofit answered, breaking into a rap routine, suddenly dressed in baggy pants and vinyl jacket, OG sneakers, and a backward turned hat, "He's as bad as he wanna be. He's been in with Krycek for hours."
Scully danced a few steps with Fullofit and asked, like a good little straight woman, "What happened?"
Calico glad to get a line in stated, "Looked like some hot-head showed a naked Alex picture in the coffee shop. Skinner happened to see it."
"What do we have on the porn dealer? An E-Bay number? Any way to get a bulk discount on large orders?" Scully quickly demanded, whipping out Molder's credit card.
Fullofit said, "We have a description from the waitress who was left the information as a hot tip. Our guys got two partials off the cash register, which came in handy as he had misplaced his dentures."
Scully asked, "Hair and fiber samples?"
Fullofit replies, "We haven't done a work- up yet or is that your lunch order?"
Scully shuddered and said, "This is the assistant director who's been shot. We have to make all resources available. Send out Columbo, Huckleberry Hound, The A-Team, and the lost fan fiction story people. We want the best or at least people who work cheap."
Medical staff wheeled Skinner out of Krycek's room on a gurney. A huge tent showed under the sheet still despite the urgent care.
Scully rushed over, whipped off the sheet and straddled Skinner on the gurney " Excuse me. How was he?" She put her hands on Skinner's cock.
The doctor answered, "He came all right but he's still in a lot of pleasure."
Skinner held Scully's hand to keep her from fondling him.
Skinner whispered loudly, "I've seen him before... the man who fucked me.
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SCENE 3
DULL INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
WASHINGTON DC
Krycek and Mulder skipped out of a car rental office hand and hand and climbed in the back seat of a MG Midget. An hour later they emerged and Krycek took the driver's seat.
Mulder demanded, "Give me the blow job." "When we get there," Krycek replied, batting his eyelashes and winking.
Mulder sternly stated, "I wanna make sure we come together right now. Why don't we just do it in the road? Give it to me."
Krycek gave Mulder the blowjob
Krycek added as they finished, "When we get there. I'll help you find the Peeps."
However, if Mulder were not sucked silly he would notice that Krycek's eyes were glazed over with sugar and were various ugly pastel shades.
Krycek turned on the enginehe's the only one I know who could even turn on an inanimate object. He could even get the rocks off.
At this point, there was a several day delay while Krycek read the entire department of transportation statistics to Molder.
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SCENE 4
The Sex Club
Skinner's room
Scully read Skinner's private diary, increasingly excited by the entries. At a polite cough from the bed, she looked about the well- decorated room and mused, "Feng Shui?"
A deep voice answered, "You're welcome."
The other agents walked in with concerned facesin the X-Files minor character's manual this was referred to as strained expression as if severely constipated.
Fullofit asked as Calico made a dress, "How's he doing?"
Scully answered, "He's on steady Viagra; he's up and down." Her own concerned face yielding to Scully defending her mate number 6, Scully said, "I thought I asked for Mac 27s to be posted outside?"
Calico answers, "We put in a request with Innobotics, but there's a long waiting list for Mac 27s."
Scully said, "This wasn't a random sex act. I want Mac 27s posted here and I want them here right now!"
"If wishes were Mac 27s, everyone would have one. You'll have to take care of Skinner yourself, Scully. I'd do it, but I have a get out of slash scenes free card," Fullofit replied.
Scully snaps, "I've heard the excuses. I don't care if you and agent Calico have to stand in the hallway yourself. You're bad agents, bad. If you won't stand in the hallway, I'm sending you to the principal. This man has to be protected from his own desires. If I'm not getting any from Krycek, he isn't either. Okay?"
The senior agents whimpered in fear and clung to each other before the wrath of Scully.
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SCENE 5
COUNTY ROAD TAKE ME HOME
West Virginia
Mulder and Krycek's car passes a car pulled over on the side with two Peeps in it, a large lavender bunny and a yellow chick. They followed the car, which Mulder noticed when he looked back.
Mulder said, "We're being followed. A dark sedan with its lights off. It was parked on the shoulder about half a mile back. Speed up." Mulder pointed his gun at Krycek, apparently forgetting that it's not a good idea to shoot the person driving the car in which you are a passenger or it could have been just more sex play. Mulder could be a pistol that way.
"Speed up!" Mulder ordered.
Krycek sped up, but the other car caught up and ran them off the road. Peeps move fast especially if you put them on a very hot surface.
Mulder's head hit the windshield; Krycek was protected by the fact that his head was between Mulder's legs at the time. The car with the Peeps caught up.
Lavender-Bunny ordered sweetly, "Get out."
The Yellow Chick went to Mulder's side, looking for a marshmallow cock so it could reproduce its own kind.
Lavender-Bunny demanded, "Where's the cock ring with the secret decoder?"
Krycek replied, "I don't have it. I think I left it on Skinner."
The Lavender Bunny hit Krycek in the stomach but Krycek didn't feel a thing because after all we are talking about a marshmallow Peep here. They continued walking, very slowly as the Lavender-Bunny started to melt from being near someone so hot.
The Yellow Chick Peep opened Mulder's door, but before the situation became stickier for our hero there was a scream and a big flasha very big flash as the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man from Ghost Busters showed his stuff.
Mulder regained partial consciousness, saw the big flash, and fainted at the thought of what it would mean in terms of wieght gain to eat a seven-foot long Marshmallow cock.
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SCENE 6
FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, DC
Scully found the cute little red head, Pendrell in the lab where he apparently lived by the amount of underwear hung up to dry, and stated, "I got a message you called."
Pendrell said, "Good morning, we found something I knew you wanted to see as soon as possible." He opened his lab coat hopefully, displaying all of his worldly goodies.
Scully covered lab boy's anatomy with a cocktail napkin that she happened to have on her. The poor woman had taken to stealing meaningless objects such as cocktail napkins, matches, and the plot line for later X Files episodes. She asks, "Did you find the pornographer?"
"Yeah, the partial prints we pulled out of the cash register didn't add up to anything. I found out that you couldn't run fingerprints on a calculator. However, we found saliva on Skinner's shirt that wasn't his. After we eliminated your drool, this is an analysis of the secretors and other hemofactors."
Scully looked at the sheet she was handed and shook her head. "Not my style, can I see something in silk?"
Pendrell replied, "Oh, sorry, uh, that was Jeff Spender's sheet. I promised to get the cum stains out before his daddy noticed. Here's the information you wanted." He gave Scully a lab analysis. It has dog drool on it, but is better than some mere cat scan.
Scully said, "Which tells us we're wanting to find a male, probably in his thirties with blood type B positive, but we already know all that from the waitresses' description. It was amazing that she even knew his blood type."
Pendrell fell forward as Scully moved away. He had been looking down the neck of her dress. Bad Lab Boy, no biscuit.
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LOCATION UNKNOWN:
CSM walked in the door of an obscure clinic. One thing you couldn't fault the consortium for was lack of medical care. What with the need to insert metal tracers in necks, perform unwanted brain surgery, suck eggs, and deliver alien babies, the Consortium hired more doctors than Group Health. In fact, they recruited their best conscienceless medical staff from Group Health.
A man with hickeys all over him was in observation. He has pastel stains all over him as if someone put him in a microwave with a PEEP. CSM shook his head sadly. What a waste! Why he could have shot the henchman himself in one of his bleak moods that came when one of his stories was rejected.
A doctor, really a large chocolate Easter Bunny that was wearing a white coat said, "We picked them up last night. They were easy. Didn't even ask for dinner and a movie. But that's not important. The hickeys you're looking at, they're somatic, caused by vivid wet dreams and repeated exposure to marshmallow peeps. Same as the French sailors aboard that salvage ship. Identical. In fact, we used the same footagewhy waste money? The fans won't notice."
CSM asked, "What's the prognosis?" He put a pack of cigarettes in his mouth, lighting it with an exploding oxygen tank.
The Chocolate Bunny winced as CSM bit off one of his ears and said, "It's just a matter of time, this kind of absorption will have a rapid effect on cellular activity, giving rise to the onset of massive insulin shock and probably weird diseases caused by the pastel dyes."
CSM asked, his eyes casing the room for flowers or chocolates he could steal, "Has anyone been in to see these men?"
The one-eared bunny replied, "No, your orders were to isolate them."
The Cigarette-Smoking Man looked through the bandages of the horny man whose eyes were still dilated from pleasure and excessive sugar. "But I think we should get a specialist in here because, frankly, I've never seen anything like this before. Of course, I may have seen it before. I forget a lot. I'm hollow milk chocolate after all. Not much room for memory."
CSM checked the Deep Background site on his palm pilot before he hurriedly said, "I've seen this all before or at least I have the transcript."
The doctor asked, "Do you know what caused this?"
"You really don't want to know," CSM said, as he walked away with a bedpan and a pack of tissues. He added, "Have the extras dismissed."
The doctor said, " But... but sir...these men are still needed for scenes."
CSM sneered nastily (Can you really sneer in a nice way?). He said, "Haven't you heard of computer animation, doctor?"
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SCENE 8
Mulder woke up with a bandage on his forehead. Run footage here from almost any season.
Scully was at his bedside. Drat, where was Krycek?
The partners exchanged a smile. This was weird as Scully's lipstick was not Mulder's shade. They exchanged smiles again to my great relief.
Mulder said, "Krycek, I had him!"
Scully replied, "Here, write it down for this web site. Make it good. I want a Spooky."
Mulder said, "Maybe you can tell me. You like to watch, don't you?"
Nodding eagerly, Scully answered, "The State police found you unconscious. You were strapped in bondage gear and left in the passenger's seat of a rental car that had been driven into a ditch."
Mulder explained, "We were run off the road by two giant marshmallow Peeps."
Scully said, "Who's "we"? Was it another threesome story?" Mulder answered, "It was just Krycek and me."
"Krycek? Again? Why not meI mean, not with you, with Krycek?" Scully screamed, choking her partner.
Mulder said, "He was in Hong Kong, looking mighty tasty. He's been selling information and a hell of a lot more, if you ask some slash fans."
Scully said, "So Krycek is what the Peeps wanted?"
Mulder explained, "They ordered him out of the car. I thought they were going to fuck him. I though they were going to fuck us both. And then there was this bright flash. That's all I remember."
"Well, this may not be the best time to tell you but, you're not the only one Krycek had. Skinner's been fucked too." Scully said, pouting.
"What's his condition?" Mulder asked jealously, wondering if Walt got it more times.
" Krycek penetrated his lower intestine. The doctor seems to think he's fine." Scully said.
"Hmm, I got to be on top," Mulder replied.
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SCENE 9
Skipped as nobody cute was in it.
SCENE 10
Skinner's room
Scully flashed to an officer posted in front of Skinner's room and he let her in.
Scully greeted her boss with, " Hi, how are you feeling?"
Skinner said, "Like I was rode hard and put away wet."
"We've determined that the man who fucked you was the same man who did Mulder."
Skinner remarked, "I bet you had to work to get that, huh?"
"No, I just logged into a few web sites. You don't seem surprised."
"I'm experienced. Don't you think I knew about those web sites long ago? But that's not important now. Three Peeps came to see me a few days ago. They warned me about pursuing this seasonal oral bingeing investigation."
Scully asked, "Do you realize what you're saying sir?" Skinner checked the script before answering, "Yes, of course, I know what I'm saying. I'm not advancing any Conspiracy Theory here, Scully. Who do you think I am, Mel Gibson?"
Scully said, "You're saying that they closed down the case not because of lack of evidence but because they didn't want us to find out what's really in those Peeps."
"You should be very careful about the accusations that you make."
"The man who showed you the picture... you said that you've seen him before?"
"Several months ago, he was one of the men who held me down for Krycek's rough sex play." Skinner said, fingering his bruises with delight.
"He was working with Krycek?" Scully asked, wondering why she had to ask all the questions and look like she was incapable of coming to a conclusion.
Skinner said, "They're the ones who stole the formula for Peeps from me. The ones that show why anyone would eat Peep after Peep."
Scully repeated, "Damn him! Krycek, Mulder had him."
"Listen to me, envy is a luxury that you cannot afford right now. If you're jealous you're gonna make a mistake, and these people will take advantage of you. You've seen how they operate. Next thing you know you're a shallow, hormonal knocked-up mess."
Scully said, "I'll be OK."
Skinner said, "Scully... if you can't give Mulder what he needs... it's all right to step away. I can take care of it."
Scornfully, Scully shot back, "That's exactly what you want!"
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SCENE 11
SCULLY'S APARTMENT
Skipped, I wasn't in the mood.
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SCENE 12
X-FILES OFFICE
Scully opened the door and entered, finding Mulder wearing a bondage suit.
Mulder preened, "It looked great on me in the store."
"What's this doing here?" Scully asked.
Mulder replied, "I had it flown in from San Diego as evidence to save having to pay for it myself."
Mulder added, "The suit was covered in a thin film of lube, as was the French diver when I found him lying delirious on his kitchen floor."
Scully asked, ready to take notes, "What kind of lube?"
"Well, from the reports I'm getting, it's Wet. The same substance that was found on the French diver's wife when she was discovered on the floor of a Hong Kong airport bathroom a few days ago. I guess Krycek forgot he was supposed to be doing het. According to the analysis, it's fifty- weight lube, made out of mashed bananas. It's the same lube that was used during World War II submarines and on P-51 Mustangs for that matter. Played hell when they landed near monkeys."
Scully held up flash card number seven, looking bored. On it was written: I don't understand. Please show me how brilliant you are again.
Mulder said, "This lube is not only fifty years old, Scully, but its composition has been altered by exposure to radiation. "
Scully said, "I still don't understand how did this get onto the diver and then onto the diver's wife."
"This just wasn't ordinary banana lube, I think the Peeps used it jump their bones."
Scully said, "So you're saying that this stuff has intelligence?"
"I don't know about that, but it could run for president anyway. But that's not important. What's important is that the lube used the diver and then his wife to travel until it was able to get into Krycek."
Scully said, "Krycek?"
Mulder: I think that Mrs. Garterhose went to Hong Kong under the control of this thing." He draws his gun as Scully laughed. She stoppedafter all, he hadn't ever shot her yet and he did believe in payback. Mulder nodded and continued, "to fuck Krycek. I know, I know how that sounds. Het."
Scully asked, "Is anybody not wanting to fuck Krycek?"
Mulder said, "Now, that is a stupid question."
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SCENE 13
ROCKVILLE, MD
Skipped to next scene for luck.
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SCENE 14
LOCATION UNKNOWN
The Cigarette-Smoking Man sipped some ice-cold vodka while watching an old porn movie. He put the glass on the table near him, and reached for his lit cigarette on the ashtray. A digital tape was thrown on the table.
The Cigarette-Smoking Man was surprised. He hadn't read the script yet. He stood and turned back to see Krycek.
Grinning, CSM asked, "Did Barb G. send you?" He looked very hopeful, but Krycek shook his head.
Krycek asked, "Where is the factory?"
CSM, regaining confidence, took a puff from his smoke, and read the script before he said, "I've been expecting you."
Cardinale put a gun to Krycek's neck. He was jealous. He wanted CSM. Why couldn't the man just see him? He couldn't get Spender to notice him, not even with his best Carmen Miranda imitation.
"Put that down," CSM ordered.
"I have what you want," CSM said.
The camera zoomed in on Krycek's eyes, showing the pastel glow instead of the usual smoky green. For one moment, Krycek struggled free from the yolk of the marshmallow chick and yelled, "No way in hell you do."
The Cigarette-Smoking Man remained emotionless. The producer told him not to emote.
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SCENE 15
Boy, this transcript thing is harder than I thought!
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SCENE 16
Skipped too, really bored now.
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SCENE 17
The Well-Manicured Man's office
The Well-Manicured Man was taking off his pants, helped by a young man when the phone rang. He was very surprised at Mulder's call. He had told Mulder not to call him here. Just wait until that Fox and he were alone
The houseboy answered the phone. "It's for you, sir. It's okay, it's not the pay by the minute number credit collection agency again."
WMM demanded, "Who is this? Knock Knock?"
Mulder replied, "Wait, I'm supposed to say knock knock."
WMM agreeably answers, "Who is it?"
Mulder said, "Oil."
WMM asked, "Oil who?"
Mulder answered, "Oil in. That's ooze."
Silence. A click. Mulder called back. "You probably know who I want. A man named Krycek."
WMM asked, "Alex Krycek?"
Mulder answered, "Yeah, nice guy, fucked my father. You wouldn't happen to know where he is, do you?"
WMM answered, "A lot of people did that with your father. Do you think that your generation invented slash? Why in my day we did it uphill both ways, without lube. And your mother"
WMM asked, "Mr. Mulder, can we meet somewhere?"
Mulder said, "I would love to. I've heard you are da bomb. I hope you won't mind but I would prefer to meet far away from your car."
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SCENE 18
FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON, DC
A VCD is showing.
Fullofit back from storage said, "Well we got a name to go with the face. Pretty cool for a city where no one knows your name."
Scully looking at pictures of Krycek said, "Beautiful."
"Oh, not that one, this one," Fullofit said, changing the picture to a reptilian looking man. "His name is Luis Cardinal, also known by fans who can't remember canon, as The Hispanic Man. He was native of Nicaragua, School of the America's alumni, career mercenary, apparently impressed a lot of people with his bird impressions during the Iran contra deal."
"I'll bet," Scully said, holding out a twenty.
Fullofit stated, "That's actually the good news."
Scully said, "What do you mean?"
Calico replied, "He entered the country without a visa or papers. As far as we can tell we can't find anything on him, a dress, phone number, financial information, favorite web sites, nothing."
Scully asked, "Does he have an alias?"
Calico said, "Several, but if we knew them there would be no point in having them. In all likelihood, this guy's already out of the country."
"Damn it, they think they can just get away with it!" Scully said, chewing on some low fat scenery.
Fullofit replied, "I wish I could tell you 'otherwise'. In fact, I can. "Otherwise". There I said it and I'm glad that I did."
Scully said, "What about Krycek? Do you want to fuck him?"
Fullofit looks at Calico and answers, "We're pretty much exhausted. Try us later."
Scully said, "What's it gonna take? Internet porn?"
Calico said, "Do you think I'm making this up out of whole cloth. What do you mean what is it going to take? Other than a sign from God?"
Scully said, "I've seen stranger things in Mulder's refrigerator, believe me."
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SCENE 19
CENTRAL PARK
Mulder was waiting, having been mugged eight times.
The Well-Manicured Man finally showed up.
WMM looked around, ignoring the looming crowd of PEEPS. "I trust we're all alone."
Mulder-Subs-R-Us whispered in a husky voice, "We're all alone in New York City, Sir."
Gloating, Wmm said, "You're wanting to fuck Alex Krycek, to fuck him into the floor. What makes you think we haven't done that already?"
Mulder demanded, "How can you have done that? He's mine. All mine."
"Tell me what you know and I'll consider giving you Krycek," replied the foolish man.
Mulder tried to look tough, as he said, "No, you'll answer a few questions for me first, like who spread the rumor that I only like to bottom?"
Ignoring the pathetic little show, WMM said, "If you had watched the flash back instead of surfing for porn, you'd know it was a UFO, an unidentified fucking object. There were salvage attempts. A United States sub was sent in to subdue it, but there were complications. It turned out that the UFO was alsoa bottom."
Mulder pondered, "Almost the entire crew was hospitalized for exhaustion."
The Well Manicured Man answered, "Yeah, it's still a mystery."
Mulder demanded, "A mystery to whom? The fans? Don't you think they read the spoilers? Fleshed out the motivations? Filled in the missing scenes?"
WMM stated, "The cover story said that the ship contained the Eighth Season Plot Line and that's what confused the crew, fogging their minds and making them crash, but the truth is, no one knows what fucked that crew."
Mulder said, "I know him."
"Do you now? In the biblical sense of the word?" WMM mused, getting ready to take good notes. He too wanted a Spooky.
Passion staining Mulder's voice like a big crayon left in the jeans of a careless school child and melting all over the wash. The usually deadpan FBI agent gave into an onslaught of emotion, almost as if someone had screwed the actor's residuals over, "You give me Krycek and I will tell you anything. Anyone would."
WMM stated, "Mr. Mulder, I've given you so much this evening; you offered me next to nothing in return. Some flowers, some chocolate, a little romanceis that too much to ask?" A single tear ran down the withered cheek to be instantly captured and preserved by a fan fiction writer. There's only one tear you know and God help us all if it ever dries up.
Mulder snarkily remarked, "You haven't told me anything I didn't already know."
WMM asked, "I'm curious, if you've encountered Krycek, why didn't you fuck him then?"
Mulder answered, "I did, but once is not enough."
"Ah, yes, the sex," murmured WMM, "I remember when MJ..."
Mulder said, surprising WMM " You want the tape he's been selling those secrets Peep formulas off. You don't know where he is either, do you?"
In a sudden jealous rage, Mulder accused, "You're wanting to fuck him too!"
WMM said, "Mr. Mulder, everyone wants to fuck Krycek. Certainly, you've no doubt of that." As the FBI agent walked away, the wistful voice followed, "Mr. Mulder?"
A sudden insight has overwhelmed Mulder; he realized now that WMM didn't have Krycek. If he had Krycek, he wouldn't be wasting time chatting.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
SCENE 20
FBI HEADQUARTERS
Mulder thoughtfully asked Scully to check on Walter. A black leather clad hand shut the window just as she entered the room. She ran to it, thinking she had a chance to catch the man who had ruined all of their lives and given her premature hot flashes, but she saw nothing but a dramatic swirl of fog and a bat like figure climbing head first down the side of the building. She hoped Krycek wouldn't go for the pompadour hairstyle from Dracula as well as the dramatic form of exit.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
SCENE 21
This scene abducted.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
SCENE 22
BLACK CROW, North Dakota
Mulder and Scully arrive at the site through a link and get out of the car.
"There must be two hundred silos or is the plural silage? If I'm correct they were all filled with Marshmallows in accord with the disarmament treaty when the base was decommissioned," Scully lectured as Mulder took notes
Mulder said, "I didn't sign any disarmament treaty. That was all the producer. I was kidding Alex. We were going to Bermuda in shorts for our honeymoon and the next thing I knew we were in Russia."
Mulder drew his gun but he was a better FBI agent than an artist so he decided to stick with the real thing. Scully had a Sex Pistol, which was an effective weapon when played real loud.
The two Intrepid FBI agents (Bet you didn't know this was a Star Trek crossover, did you?) door lock had been broken so they proceeded into the Den of Iniquitybut there were no new stories so they went into the silo instead.
A heavily accented voice narrated, "Search warrantthey don't need no fucking search warrant."
Both Mulder and Scully carried those squeeze-type disposable Energizer bunny flashlights, which were not powerful enough to reveal the hordes of Peeps thronging in the dark.
Scully said, "My ears are still popping," She shakes her head and discovers that she passed out in her Rice Crispies again this morning. She shook the snap crackle pop out of her shell like ears.
"We're eight miles highor is that low," Mulder muttered.
Scully stepped in Bunny Foo Foo and made a yuck face as she tried to clean her heel by pounding it against Mulder's head. She asked, "Where's the Marshmallow whip?"
"Apparently, nobody else signed that treaty either or they asked a Native American about how seriously the United States takes treaties."
Scully sang "One silo down, pass around, one hundred ninety nine silos to go. Come on, Mulder. You sing too."
Mulder blanched and muttered, "Krycek wasn't such a bad partner. He got Scully abducted, didn't he?"
"Hey," snapped a scowling Scully.
"These tunnels must go on for miles," Mulder stated.
Scully marked the walls with her lipstick. They were now on the fifth round of the same corridor. However, the script won't let her say anything. Both of them froze in their tracks. This was a neat trick if you wanted to make ice cubes.
Mulder and Scully switched off their flashlights. They found a number of dead soldiers and a drunken Peep blocking their way, but continued on to find the truth or at least Krycek, who was much better than the truth.
"He's here" Mulder whispered as they encountered blissfully stunned men, hickeys covering them.
The lights suddenly illuminated everything as other armed operatives arrived.
A solider yelled, "Hold him right there, Scully!" He mimed exactly how he wanted Scully to hold Mulder.
Mulder and Scully run because it would be almost like incest you know.
The man yelled, "Hold!"
Mulder and Scully continued running, but they were soon cornered. Both sighed and pressed their noses to the wall. Skinner had them well trained.
"Hands in the air! Come! Come now!" the soldier yelled, obviously deeply into MSR.
Guns taken away, bags on their heads, Mulder and Scully were escorted out, passing a red isolation door marked with the numbers 1013 on it as they were marched away.
Outside, the Cigarette-Smoking Man waited, looking as if he was in total control as the FBI agents were led from the silo. He held up a bottle and mouthed, 'Ice Blue Secret. Strong enough for a man, but gentle enough for a woman."
Mulder raged, "He's here. You led him here, didn't you? You're collaborating with the Peeps!"
CSM said, "There's nothing here, but holes in the ground, Mr. Mulder."
Smiling as he thought he had one on CSM, Mulder demanded, "Then why are you here? Why all these men? Why the conga line of dancing pink and yellow bunnies and chicks?"
"I don't know why you think I should tell you anything. You're the one that owes me answers or at least ten thirteen for that Chinese dinner I sent you a while back." CSM said.
"The dinner was drugged," Mulder said. Flashing back, he raved, "The Peeps are here. That's what Krycek's after, isn't it? The secret of the Peeps"
CSM said, "Krycek? Alex Krycek disappeared five months ago. He seemed to be worried about a little practical joke I played on him. I just don't understand that boy. I treat him like a son, just like my son.only he keeps ducking!"
Scully screamed, "We saw bodies in there. Pastel marshmallow goo smeared over them!"
CSM said, with a heavy fake German accent, "You saw nothing. You heard nothing. You know nothing."
Mulder said, "You won't get away with this! You can't bury the truth! I have a lawyer and a publicist"
A blue van, marked Airporter, hauled Mulder and Scully away. This is very unrealistic because they didn't even have to wait.
The Cigarette-Smoking Man saw the men with hickeys and said, jealously, "Take them away. "
Walking toward the door with 1013 painted on it, CSM casually pointed out the in-joke in case a dense fan missed it. He lit a cigarette, took a puff, and left. The man is an idiot or maybe he was just going to sneak back later and hide Krycek away until he needed him for work again.
The camera zoomed into the little window of the 1013 red door.
The sound of retching filled the sound track, but don't worry. This isn't a male pregnancy fic.
On his hands and knees, a popular position for the man, Krycek spat marshmallow goo out, pastel sugar also leaked through his eyes and his nose. And you think snorting a Pepsi is bad.
Krycek knelt on a square box with neat little peep shaped boxes. As the goo leaked out of him, it formed tiny bunny and chick shapes; Krycek's expression was horrified about what he saw oozing from his body. Lubes one thing and semen was like old hat, but colored marshmallow goo? Alex looked pathetic and scared and you just wanted to pick him up and hug him and squeeze him after he stopped barfing.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
SCENE 23
FBI HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON DC
Writing something, at his desk, Mulder had his glasses on so everyone could tell he was very serious. Someone knocked on the door and he answered, "Yeah."
Skinner limped in with a cane and Mulder upended himself with his trousers down. Walter said, "Agent Mulder um get out of that position. This is not a discipline story."
Mulder blushed and stood up to shake Skinner's hand and helps him to the chair. Instead he threw Walter over his desk and said, "Sir, I didn't expect you back to work for a few weeks. You don't know how I've missed our little games. It's your turn to play Alex right?"
Mulder continued, "Actually I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to thank you for everything you did as well as everything you're going to do for me once I get this stupid dialog done."
Skinner said, "You mean being screwed by Krycek."
Mulder said, "You got slashed because you stood up to these people."
Skinner said, "I think you're proceeding from a mistaken impression. I did him because, hey, why should you have all the fun."
Mulder replied, "From what I understand, you put your job and your life on the line for Scully.
"This isn't my crusade, Agent Mulder. I'm only in it for the sex with Krycek," Walter said, "But here's the last plot thread so we can get out of here and find a PWP."
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Mulder said, "They found Luis Cardinal, dead in his cell."
Scully asked, "How?"
Her partner replied, "They made it look like autoerotic asphyxiation. Then tried to make it look as if Clyde Bruckman did it. The men Cardinale worked for couldn't take the chance that he'd point his finger at them. They really think that's rude and take manners seriously."
Scully asked, "And what about Krycek?"
Mulder said, "Oh he was there. I know that."
"You think the slashers got to him too?" Scully asked.
Mulder replied, crossing his fingers, "I don't know, but if they haven't, I will. I doubt it weighs on their consciences though. They won't stop writing him into stories,"
Scully ponders, "I think our hormones are speaking to us, Mulder, demanding Krycek. Maybe that man was right. Maybe we should just all take turns. Share and share alike."
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
SCENE 24
Banging sounded from a door painted with a faked cover picture.
Krycek's voice yelled, "Help!"
"Help!" He groaned as Mulder, Skinner, Vic, Methos, MacLeod, Marita, Scully, Kim, and a host of others pulled him down, "Help!" he screamed.
The web cam zoomed out from Krycek's face to show he was trapped in a fan fiction site, surrounded by Peeps, thousands of Peeps, bizarre and cryptic Peeps, looking as if they had just flown in from Easter Island.
Pathetic!Krycek! moaned, "Help me! Help me! Help me!"
He screamed until something was put in his mouth, silencing him.
End
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
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