And It Came to Pass
by Dr. Ruthless and King James
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The characters are not mine, and I don't actually want 'em.
Rated: S for silly
Spoilers: For the Bible. I happen to have been given a script for the season ender for Season 8. I feel duty bound to share it with you.
Betad: into submission, by Pic.
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And in the sixth month the Angel Krycek was sent from wherever he hangs out, clad in black leather and a shit-eating grin, unto a city of the eastern seaboard, named Washington DC, to a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Walter, of the house of Skinner; and the virgin's name was Dana.
And this angel came in unto her, waving a gun, and said, "Hail, thou that art highly favored, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women. Do you have any idea how sticky my surveillance photos get whenever Spender is in town?"
And when she saw the Angel Krycek, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be. She raised her eyebrow, which was enough to quell pretension in Pendrell. This angel, however, was made of sterner stuff, and she became afraid.
And the angel said unto her, "Fear not, Dana: for thou hast found favor with the Creator, the Almighty, and his name is Chris Carter. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a something. We're not sure what it will be yet, but Shiban is working on that, and thou shalt be all broody and womanly, because verily the shippers are getting restless and the ratings are sliding."
The Angel Krycek sniggered, and began to back away, causing his gun to vanish back into his tight, black clothing, while the Virgin Dana thought, but didn't say, the few choice words she had learned from Mulder, because after all, when one becomes the favored of the Creator it is suddenly very bad form to cuss like a Longshoreman. The Angel Krycek wasn't finished yet, however. He gave her that smirk - the one that usually enraged Mulder to the point where he wanted full body contact - and went back on the air again.
"The whatever it is shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord Carter shall give unto him the throne of his predecessor, Mulder: and whatever he is shall reign over the X-Files for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end. They shall promote the entire department to a ground floor office, and the office shall possess a window, and..."
Then said Dana unto the angel, "How shall this be, seeing I know not a man, and have been barren since early in season 2? Also, since recently I am so bitchy that even Mulder is making me resort to artificial insemination, and he's desperate for sex."
And the angel answered and said unto her, "It will be an X-File, of course. CSM shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee and also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called... we're not sure what, yet, but Shiban will think of something. He always does, you know. He thought of El Chupacabra. That gives you some idea. For with Chris Carter nothing shall be impossible - the dafter, the better."
And Dana said, "Behold the handmaiden of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word, but I want a raise. If Duchovny gets a million an episode, let it come to pass that I get the same, for everyone knows that I carry this show with my deep, strained silences, and my alabaster brow, and my tight blouses that reveal a cleavage that just cannot be beat for perky." And the angel departed from her, laughing his socks off that she should think her wonder bra elevated her to the same league.
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And Dana arose in those days, and went into the hill country with haste, with the Cancer man, who promised her the answer to life, the universe, and EVERYTHING (tm); and the answer was 42.
And CSM spake with a loud voice, and said, "Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. Now can I just cop a little feel? Please? Come on; I don't get out much these days."
And Dana said, "My soul doth magnify the Lord Carter - who is after all rather under-endowed, but that is the way that one gets on around here.
"And my spirit hath rejoiced in Carter, my Savior. For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed. I shall go into reruns, and reach syndication heaven, with residuals coming out of my yin-yang. Not only that, but I shall be paid huge amounts of dosh merely for standing around in Mulder's apartment looking constipated. Life is good. For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name. And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation, whereas them that cross him shall have reason to wish that they had stayed in bed that day, just ask Duchovny and Lea.
"He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. Just ask Duchovny and -- oh, I said that already. He hath also waxed up his surfboard and his baggies are stiff with salt. He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree. He hath given Skinner lines to say, and Skinner hath said them too, sometimes in the right order, for such is the power of the Creator.
"He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away. Not that I'm gloating or anything, but you know how much Duchovny gets per episode?"
And Dana abode with CSM for a couple of days or so, and then returned to her own house.
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And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from good ol' boy George Dubya, that all the world should be taxed. It is supposed that he was planning to build another nuclear device, or maybe merely ensure that there were plenty of electric chairs to go around.
And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
And Skinner also went up from The Hoover Building, out of DC, into Alexandria, to Fox Mulder's apartment, for no apparent reason other than it is a hovel, and that area is pretty short of stables these days. To be taxed with Dana his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
And she brought forth her firstborn... whatever it was, we still don't know, because Shiban had changed his mind after the Creator had smacked him about the head and neck with his surfboard... and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him on Mulder's couch; because his waterbed had sprung a leak in "Monday", and he still hadn't gotten it mended, so there wasn't a whole heck of a lot of choice.
And there were in the same country FBI agents abiding in the field, keeping watch over Mulder by night, because he had been declared subversive by Kersh, and besides, it was traditional to watch him, and all the newly graduated agents took a turn. And so it was that Doggett and Reyes were observing the apartment that was Mulders home.
And, lo, the Angel Krycek came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid, like, who wouldn't be with Krycek sleazing around looking sexy and stealing screen time? And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in Hegel Place a Savior, which is going to boost our ratings and see us through to Season 9. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying on Mulder's couch, which to me seems a little unsanitary, but I must defer as Scully is after all a doctor and she hasn't said a word."
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising Carter, and saying, "Glory to Carter in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." At which the Angel Krycek swore loudly in Russian and began to back away before he was caught by the powers that be, but too late.
The window on the 4th floor - the one with the X taped on it - opened, and Skinner popped his head out, looking constipated, as he tended to do, screaming "Who's that making all the noise?" and saw the Angel Krycek.
Upon sighting the angel, Skinner got out his gun and blasted a hole the size of a grapefruit through the angels chest, at which point, a million M/K slashers let out a collective shriek, and the Angel Krycek will play his Bugs Bunny style death scene, which Shiban is still writing. Watch this space.
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, Doggett and Reyes said one to another, "Let us now go even unto Hegel Place, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Angel Krycek hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Dana, and Walter, who was looking constipated still, and the babe lying on the couch, while Mulder paced up and down and bemoaned the fact that the Angel Krycek was shot. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this whatever it is, which Shiban is trying to decide - under very trying circumstances, I might add.
And all they that heard it wondered at those things, which were told them by the agents, mainly because they were inconsistent with canon, but Dana kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. Doggett glorified and praised Carter for all the things that he had heard and seen, as it was told unto him, because it was in his contract that he would get a bonus for toeing the party line.
And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the offspring of the Virgin Dana, whatever form Shiban decides to give him, his name was called Alvin, which was so named of the Angel Krycek before he was conceived in the womb. And when the days of her purification according to the law of the network were accomplished, they brought him to the 1013 offices, to present him to the Lord Carter; (As it is written in the law of the LORD, Every male that openeth the womb shall be called holy to the Lord) and to offer a sacrifice according to that which is said in the law of the Lord, a pair of turtledoves, or two young pigeons, or Mulder and Krycek, who hath greatly displeased the Lord Carter.
And, behold, there was a man in Hollywood, whose name was Spotnitz; and the same man was just and devout, waiting for the consolation of season 8: and the Holy Ghost was upon him. This pleased him greatly because he loved religious inferences, and ran about happily telling everyone that he had a great idea for season 9. And it was revealed unto him by the Holy Ghost, that he should not seek a renewal of the series, before he had seen the Creator's phenomenal concept - the Virgin Dana's child, which could be filmed as soon as Shiban got off his ass and described it.
And he came by the Spirit into the offices of Chris Carter: and when Dana and Walt brought in the whatever that they had named Alvin, to do for him after the custom of the law, then took he him up in his arms, and blessed God, and said, "Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word: for mine eyes have seen thy salvation -- which thou hast prepared before the face of all people; a light to lighten the male demographic between 20 to 40, and the glory of thy people in accounting." Then he backed hastily away from the office, wherein little Alvin lay quietly smoking a Morley and singing about the Good Ship Venus, and ran to try and find himself a new series with a sensible person in charge.
And Walt and Dana marveled at those things, which were spoken of him. They changed their facial expressions...
Twice.
And Carter blessed them, and said unto Dana, Alvins mother, "Behold, this...whatever it is, is set for the fall and rising again of many in the New X-Files; and for a sign which shall be spoken against; (Yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also,) that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed. Once the ratings are in, I fear the worst, but what can you do? We gotta chase that old demographic!"
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Now when Alvin was born in Hegel Place of Alexandria in the days of Kersh the Stupid Director, behold, there came Lone Gunmen from the east to the FBI HQ, Saying, "Dudes, where is he that is born King of the Ratings? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him as it says in our contracts that we must if we want to keep our spin-off series."
When Kersh had heard these things, he was troubled, and all the FBI with him. And when he had gathered Doggett and Reyes and the scribes of the people together, except for Shiban, who was in solitary until hed finished describing the -well, you get the picture - and he demanded of them where the whatever Shiban decided it was going to be should be born. And they said unto him, "In Mulder's apartment, dude: for thus it is written by the prophet, and we have read it on the Haven so it must be true. And thou Mulder, in the land of Alexandria, art not the least among the princes of the X-Files, even though he is out of favor these days and the Creator no longer loves him."
Then Kersh, when he had privily called the Lone Gunmen, enquired of them diligently what time the star appeared. And he sent them to Mulder's pad, and said, "Go and search diligently for this X-File thing; and when ye have found him, bring me word again, that I may come and worship him also."
When they had heard the Director, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young whatever it was, was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. For special effects don't come cheap, and this one was worthy of Disney, so twinkly and bright was it.
And when they were come into the apartment on the 4th floor, they saw the being with Dana his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; a palm pilot, and a pack of Morleys and a bottle of Absolut. And being warned by reading the spoilers on the Haven that they should not return to Kersh, they departed into their own country another way. From somewhere in Hyperspace could be heard wise Frohike saying "Three to beam up, Scotty," and then they were gone
And when they were departed, behold, the Angel Krycek appeareth to Walter in a dream, thoroughly pissing him off, because after all, the death scene had been earlier, but Krycek merely smirked offensively. When Skinner stuck knives and a plam into him, the angel sniggered and made cryptic remarks about what a time he was going to have trying to be a father to this whatever it might turn out to be. Then he got back on task saying, "Arise, and take the young whatever it is and his mother, and flee into Baltimore or possibly Philadelphia, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Kersh will seek the young something to destroy him."
When he arose, he took the young Alvin and his mother by night, and departed into Baltimore and was there until the death of Kersh, who was fairly rapidly eaten by a blood sucking vacuum cleaner that had been slated for an episode for season 9, but never filmed: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of Carter by the Gilligan, saying, Out of Baltimore have I called my attempt to grab the ratings.
Then Kersh, when he saw that he was mocked of the Lone Gunmen, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Alexandria, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the Lone Gunmen. Let's face it, some people are just pissy and pass the bounds of overkill.
But when Kersh was dead, behold, the Angel Krycek appeareth in a dream to Skinner in Baltimore, making him grind his teeth and vow to have a flamethrower handy next time, Saying, Arise, and take the young whatever the hell that is and his mother, and go into the land of Washington DC: for they are dead which sought the young somethings life.
And he arose, and took the young something or other and his mother, and came into the land of Washington DC.
And it came to pass that the Fox Network looked upon the plans for Season 9, and they were without form, and void.
So the Fox Network said, "Fuck it!" and pulled the plug.
And there was a great rejoicing throughout the fandom. Some things should die when their time has come.
End
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
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