Lunch, Dinner and Breakfast
by Speedo
Pairing: Jim/Vic The Sentinel/Once a Thief
Rated: T
Author's Notes: Humor, but not parody. Just something that got into my head while trying to write a crossover that became a sequel.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Lunch
"So, what did you bring for lunch?"
"Uh, sushi. Want some?"
"Nah, thanks. I think I'll stick with ham and cheese. How d'you do that with your left hand?"
"That's what happens when you spend so much time grading papers -- you gotta be flexible. Chopsticks are easy. It's amazing what I can do left-handed."
"I'm not going there, Chief. Don't want to spoil my appetite."
"Ever notice how many guys there are?"
"Run that by me again?"
"Guys. Men. Males of the species. There's like, tons. Everywhere."
"Are you working for the Census Bureau now? Is that why you're taking notes?"
"Actually, y'know that date I had last night? With Sarah?"
"Didn't go so well, huh?"
"Yeah, well, she said I need to get in touch with the woman's point of view."
"By counting men?"
"No, not by counting men, Sherlock. By thinking like a woman."
"Right."
"No, really."
"Uh-huh."
"Okay, okay, since you're so skeptical of my empathetic abilities --"
"It's not your empathetic abilities I'm worried about here, Sandburg --"
"-- you tell *me*, what do you think a woman finds attractive in a guy?"
"There's nothing self-serving in this line of investigation, right? You're just trying to better yourself."
"Come on, gimme a break. I've been thinking about it, and all I could come up with is --"
"All right. Honesty. Intelligence. A sense of humor."
"Yeah, and a six-figure income. C'mon man, I'm talking attraction here, not marriage."
"Sorry. I always forget you take the dog's eye view of the world."
"Very funny."
"Attraction doesn't just mean looks, Sandburg. People are attracted to each other on the basis of personality, too. In some time zones."
"Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. And in societies where the population is homogenous, that's probably true. Although I'm guessing it just makes you more observant. But in Cascade, for example -- which *is* where we live, last time I checked -- everybody's pretty much totally different."
"So?"
"So how do you choose? What makes you see someone and just go, Oh, wow, come to papa."
"Somehow I can't see a woman using that exact phrase."
"Whatever. You know what I mean. So... how'd you rate me, for example?"
"Excuse me?"
"If you were a woman. How'd I rate?"
"I don't like your hair."
"What?"
"Your hair, Sandburg. I don't like it. It's... it's too long."
"Is this you talking, or you-as-a-woman?"
"And too, I don't know, curly. I mean, don't take me wrong, it's definitely you. But if we're talking attraction here, forget it."
"Because...?"
"I just think... men should be men, and women should be women."
"Jesus Christ, Jim, could you *be* any more reactionary or what? No wonder you're divorced, Mr. Let's stick to the facts."
"I think you mean 'Just the facts, Ma'am.'"
"What the hell does that mean, anyway, 'Men should be men'? At least I *have* hair."
"Oh, that really hurt. I'm wounded, here."
"So, let me get this straight. What you're telling me is, if you were a woman you'd be attracted to... a guy like you?"
"Basically, yeah."
"That's... that's sick."
"You don't think you're attractive?"
"Well sure, I have a healthy self-image, but --"
"So there you go. Can I finish my lunch now?"
"Fine."
"This was a good idea. It's a beautiful day."
"Yeah, the park's pretty crowded, huh? Labor Day's like the last horrah before the grind starts again."
"How about a little one-on-one after we're done here?"
"Sure thing. Just, can you humor me one more sec, 'cause I *really* like Sarah, and she's expecting, I dunno, this big epiphany or something, and I don't think I can throw the 'men are men' line at her without the door getting slammed in my face."
"All right. Shoot."
"Yeah?"
"It's not like I can stop you."
"Okay. Like I was saying before, I already made some notes on what *I'd* find attractive in a guy. Just, you know, tell me what --"
"This is a little weird."
"Jeez you're so uptight. It's just research. Creative thinking, role playing, that kinda thing. How about this. Take a look around the park, right? Find some guy you think's okay, and point him out to me."
"I don't know, Chief. I mean *I* never claimed to be able to think like a woman."
"Use your imagination. You've done the same thing thousands of times -- it's just like using your senses, only more, more personal."
"That's what I was... I was... um."
"What?"
"Hmm?"
"You're looking at someone. I can tell."
"Nah."
"Yeah, you so are. And you're smiling."
"I am *not* smiling."
"Just around the eyes. Come *on*, Jim, I've spent enough time staring at your mug to know a smile when I see it. Male or female?"
"Tall."
"Um, Jim, that's not really -- is that supposed to be a hint or something? You're gonna make me beg for it, aren't you? "
"I'd say, Six. Six-one. Short brown hair. You writing this down?"
"Huh? Oh. *Oh*. Okay, keep going. Is he -- it is a he, right? Not too many women over six feet -- is he, y'know, pumped?"
"*Sandburg*."
"Well?"
"Ah, he's, he's athletic."
"Ethnicity?"
"You sure you're not working for the Census? I dunno, fair. Pretty fair. English, maybe, or German. Green eyes."
"Wow, you must be looking pretty damn close, I can't see anyone fitting that description. Where is he?"
"I have no idea."
"What? You made all that up? Jim?"
"Let's go shoot some hoops."
"Wait a minute. Does this person exist or not?"
"Sure."
"Sure, as in there's gotta be a guy like that somewhere in the world, or sure as in you know him?"
"Uh-huh."
"Uh-huh? So that'd be your ideal man? If, you know, you were --"
"Something like that."
"Theoretically."
"Right."
"Does this, uh, theoretical guy have a name?"
"Yeah he has a name, Sandburg. Everyone has a name. Now are we gonna play or what? I'm getting considerably older here."
"You said it, I didn't."
"Say this, Chief."
"Oh nice. That's very nice, thanks."
"Any time."
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Dinner
"He has an earring."
"Hmm?"
"An earring. In his ear."
"What's your point, Sandburg?"
"You said my hair was too long."
"So?"
"So *he* has an earring."
"Y'know, I think I'm missing something."
"Heh. Yeah, like good taste."
"You have two earrings in the same ear. And sideburns."
"Sideburns? Since when is that a crime?"
"You're just generally hairy."
"Did anyone ever tell you that you're really obnoxious when you're in a good mood?"
"Not yet."
"There's always a first time. Does he fish?"
"I don't know. I don't think so."
"How about basketball?"
"Nope."
"I get it."
"What?"
"You just like the way he looks."
"Oh, for crying out loud --"
"Admit it."
"There's nothing to admit. Are you hungry? I thought I'd order a pizza. Anchovies and pepperoni?"
"Great, this is great, I'm gonna start a new chapter on Sentinel behavior. With women, they're gentlemen, with men they're pigs. Pigs in denial."
"He cooks."
"That's great, Jim. I can just see the two of you in matching aprons."
"He's in law enforcement."
"Uh-huh."
"I mean, there's lots of reasons I like him besides his looks."
"You *like* him? You like *me*. You're boinking him. There's a subtle difference."
"I'm *not* having this conversation with you."
"Okay. Pizza's good. Half with mushrooms."
"Right. I'll call it in."
"I guess you could like him and, you know, uh, at the same time."
"Sandburg --"
"But not if he doesn't fish. I mean, come *on*."
"I'm on the -- yes, hi, I'd like to order a large pie, anchovies and--"
"Mushrooms, no pepperoni."
"Yes, right, it's 555-2975. Yeah that's it. Thanks."
"I'm starved."
"He drives a truck and he loves Chinese. That do it for you?"
"Egg Foo Young's a terrific basis for a relationship."
"Well, yeah."
"Yup."
"He *is* gorgeous."
"Told ya.'"
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Breakfast
"Hey. You're up early."
"I was hungry."
"So, is he still, you know --"
"He's in the shower."
"Oh. Maybe I'd better, there's this student I promised I'd help tutor--"
"At seven a.m.?"
"You know what they say, the early bird gets the, uh, yeah. *Whatever*. Y'know what, I'm just gonna grab a bagel and run."
"You don't run, Chief. You dawdle."
"You're enjoying the hell out of this, aren't you?"
"Out of what?"
"Me, being weird."
"You're always weird. It's part of your charm. You just got home, why don't you stick around for breakfast?"
"Really? Don't you think that'd be kinda awkward?"
"I'll make you an omelet."
"Oh. Okay."
"So, how'd your date go with Sarah? Any luck with the whole woman's point of view thing?"
"Well actually, I told her what you said, and that seemed to do the trick."
"What *I* said?"
"Yeah. Worked like a dream."
"You told her men should be men?"
"Sure. And then I beat my chest and did a terrific impersonation of Johnny Weismuller. *No*, I didn't tell her men should be men, I told her you thought I was unattractive."
"What?"
"And you hated my hair."
"Hate's a little strong--"
"And that you thought I should work out more."
"*What*? I never said that."
"You implied it."
"And this made her like you?"
"No, man, this made her totally hot for me. Brought out all those nurturing instincts. She doesn't like *you* much, though."
"Thanks. Thanks a lot. Nice advance press, there. Eat your eggs."
"How old is he, anyway?"
"What? Why?"
"I'm trying to see where the similarity breaks down, y'know?"
"Eat your eggs, Sandburg."
"'Cause he looks younger, somewhere between you and me."
"So?"
"So if you were a woman, you'd probably go for an older guy. That's all."
"Here's a newsflash for you -- I'm not a woman. He's not a woman. In fact, there are no women in this house. Got it?"
"Okay, okay, don't get all huffy. This is good. Did you put anything special--"
"He's thirty-four."
"Oh. He looks younger."
"Is that it? Is that all you have to say?"
"Hey man, I'm straight. I mean, no offense, but what else *is* there to say?"
"Use your imagination, Sandburg."
"Damn, I shoulda seen that one coming."
"A mile away."
"Yeah, yeah, suddenly everyone's a comedian. Let's see. Well, he's... nice. He's got, uh, I don't know, a nice smile. He seems to like you. How's that?"
"Uh-huh."
"Tall. I think he's taller than you."
"Is that funny?"
"Kinda, yeah."
"Hey, Jim, could I borrow -- oh, hi. I didn't know anyone was here."
"Hi."
"Hey. You hungry? I'm making omelets."
"Yeah, I could eat a, uh, um. I'm gonna go get dressed."
"I'm Blair, by the way."
"Hi. Smells good. Hold that thought, I'll be right back down."
"Sure thing. You want any more, Chief?"
"What?"
"Eggs. You want any more eggs?"
"Eggs?"
"You're staring."
"Hmm?"
"Put your tongue back in your mouth."
"Huh? Oh, that's great, Jim, thanks."
"Sandburg?"
"Yeah?"
"Woof."
Fin
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
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